Jesus tittyfucking Christ, it’s Oi gone Glam with fucking Joe Cocker on the mic! Like something out of a twisted, dive bar nightmare, you know you’re in for a treat when an album’s only saving grace is the occasional gang vocal. This band’s overly simplistic, stupid-on-purpose approach ensures that they are indeed as gay as they look. Which is pretty fucking gay.

I’ve been a big fan of Jello’s former band, Dead Kennedys, for about as long as I can remember, and followed his career through his various musical team-ups and spoken word albums. I’ve found the Melvins to be sort of hit and miss over the years (amazing the one time I saw them live, though!), but still hoped for great things from 2004’s first collaboration with Jello, Never Breathe What You Can’t See. I was not disappointed. I like this new release quite a bit, too, but it is strange. Sieg Howdy! features remixes of several tracks from Never Breathe… (“The Lighter Side of Global Terrorism,” “Dawn of the Locusts,” “Enchanted Thoughtfist,” and “Caped Crusader”), an Alice Cooper cover (“Halo of Flies”), an updated live version of the Kennedys’ classic “California Uber Alles,” retitled “Kali-fornia Uber Alles 21st Century,” and only four new songs. Be warned: the printed track list is wrong. Hopefully that will be fixed on subsequent pressings. The remixes aren’t really as strange as might be imagined, which makes me wonder why they bothered to include them. The new songs are great, and I’d have liked to hear more of them. But in any case the music is generally not far from the Melvins’ faster-yet-still-sludgy best moments, and Jello’s singing has changed little, so everything is at worst pretty cool and at best fairly awesome. And the lyrics are, as expected, interesting, even thought provoking (“Wholly Buy Bull” -seeing is no longer believing), reading. If JB and the boys are at a loss for new material, which sort of seems to be the case here (with the remixes, and so on…), then may I suggest a live album next time? These songs seem to almost demand being heard live anyway. I know that I’d certainly love to see that show.

Much like Behemoth, 2005 sees these Black/Death speedsters make a major upgrade, turning from nothing but aimless snare punishment into a fine-tuned, well-oiled Death Metal machine. For some reason Nile seem to be the current reference point for substandard Black/Death bands looking to morph into juggernauts, as right from the opener, “The Cruzifixus-Anus Dei,” with its virtuoso Death Metal drumming and twisted Egyptian-style melodies, the influence is felt. The power emanating from this LP also echoes the more recent offerings from Decapitated and Morbid Angel, and I was not expecting “Sepulture of Hypocrisy” or “Kings Shall Be Kings,” which have to be these 13-year Austrian vets’ first forays into Doom territory. If you’re not familiar with Belphegor, fuck all their previous releases, this is the place to start. If you’re already a fan, congratulations on finally having some actual substance to cheer about.

These recordings were my first impression of Behemoth way back in the day [This was originally released in 1994. -Editor], and pretty much the reason I haven’t considered myself a big fan until their more recent brutality explosion. Listening in retrospect, I find myself not quite as critical, but the fact is that this material was and is substandard, run-of-the-mill Black Metal-by-the-numbers. Factor in that this was getting released at the same time when bands like Rotting Christ, Dissection, Immortal, Darkthrone, Marduk, and even Burzum were steady putting out masterpieces, and it really pales in comparison. This reissue includes the Bewitching the Pomerania demo, which is slightly better, but ain’t no fucking Demigod. Props to Metal Mind for making this available again, but let me know when Apostasy hits the shelves instead.

God damn! These guys sure turned a 180. They’ve always had talent, they’ve always played extremely fast, but the last time I heard Behemoth they sounded like a second rate post-Euronymous Mayhem. They now play super technical, ultra-brutal Death Metal in the vein of Morbid Angel, Decapitated, and Nile! Speaking of Nile, Karl Sanders makes a guest appearance on the track, “XUL.” The only thing Black Metal about these guys now is their image. What I’m hearing is pure Nile Jr. and I’m digging the shit out of it. Hottest cuts: “Conquer All” and “Reign of Shemsu-Hor.”

More of the same worthless, juvenile, sub par Japcore. This band take nothing seriously and it really shows in their music. The vocalist sounds like Ms. Piggy this time around. Wow, that’s really funny. Everything’s just a big joke, Dance Hall Grind being the biggest of all. You see, not all Asians are smart.

Yo, dog! Fuck Homie Core n’ shit, dude. This shit be whack, playa, for real dog, I ain’t even playin’. I be feelin’ dat Old School, g, but ‘dis be mo’ like Preschool, word! Muthafucka sound like Tom Araya wit’ Downs, ya heard me. Yo, I finna take ‘dis back to da record sto,’ be like, “What is ‘dis shit you sold me, man? I cannot get jiggy wit’ dis’ shit!” Awight, peace.

Featuring ex-Naglfar drummer Mattias Holmgren, Azure play an extremely skilled and adventurous style of Black Metal, not unlike Absu. But these vocals have got to go. They have no kick or depth at all, just a limp, scratchy yell that often cracks a la Peter Brady. Musically they could not be more on, delivering a virtuoso performance that often ascends to epic and poignant heights, but even the most basic of Black or Death Metal vocals would’ve saved King of Stars by leaps and bounds.

Paying homage to their native land’s Speed/Thrash heritage, Germany’s Armistice slice through the pages of the Destruction / Kreator / Sodom playbooks with relative ease, complete with Stefan Fischer’s bellows coming off as diet Schmier. As well played as it is, it sounds painfully dated, and the lyrics are equally as tired. I’m growing weary of songs about the war, and no group of Caucasians should ever have a song called “Doggy Style,” no matter what. The bottom line is, when I want to hear German Thrash, I’ll reach for the same records that influenced this album instead.

I admit it, I’d thought for sure that this band would have “evolved” into a more mainstream Machine, but I was wrong. Before I heard this album, I saw the band live at of all places the fucking Ozzfest. Well, Iron Maiden was there, and… Anyway, Arch Enemy really put on a great show, and so I was excited when this new album arrived. I’ve heard some people describe this as “Metalcore” or even “Mallcore,” but I don’t hear that at all. In fact, this is mostly a throwback to older Thrashy Death Metal, with Angela’s raspy vocals fitting very well with this style. The only thing that really seems modern is the slick (but not overly so) production. Sadly, I’d guess that a lot of the more underground Metal fans are going to overlook Doomsday Machine simply because the band is gaining popularity (I just about shit myself when I saw the video for the excellent “Nemesis” playing on the big screen at the local Media Play!), and that’s a shame, since there is a lot to like here. one odd thing, though: my review copy has 98 tracks with each of the eleven songs broken into multiple tracks. That’s super annoying, and I truly hope that this is some stupid bullshit only done to the review copies. [It was only the review copies. -Editor] As long as I’m hoping, I’d also like to hope that this isn’t the band’s last good album. Fame has a way of making bands suck, and it looks like Arch Enemy is on the way to being kind of a big deal.

I’m sorry, I have OCD and I need to vent a little bit. This is not an “EP,” it’s a demo. “Death Hatchet Records” is not a real record label, even if by putting a gaudy full color sticker on your Memorex CDR and throwing together a generic layout on your computer you want to pretend it is. There’s no shame in being unsigned or unrepresented. You’ve got to start somewhere. Among the Decayed starts with three tracks of fair Death Metal with hints of groove. A better production would probably take them to the next level, but it would still most likely be boring. Let’s just hope the legacy of the Death Hatchet empire has not been marred by their first “signing.”

Shitty, boring, run-of-the-mill, badly produced, dime-a-dozen, you’ve heard it a thousand fucking times before Black Metal. I can’t believe labels are still signing this cut-out bin fodder. Anyone who can sit through this whole album should be awarded a prize of some sort. I made it halfway through the third song and I feel I deserve at least a blowjob and a backrub.

It figures, I’d just finally tracked down 2002’s Yearning for the Grotesque (it’s hard to come by quality Metal imports in the Midwest, also known as Jesus’ asshole), and now I’ve got twice as much catching up to do. That’s okay, you can never have too much Avulsed. Heralded by many as Spain’s finest Death Metal band, Dave Rotten and company are back to sonically torture and mesmerize. While I’ve yet to hear an Avulsed album that rivals the power of Stabwound Orgasm, Gorespattered (careful, typists, it’s “spattered” not “splattered”) Suicide is probably the closest second. The album successfully showcases this band’s uncanny ability to pimp-walk the trapeze wire between primal brutality and soaring melodies. Grinding and pummeling along in a similar vein as classic Bolt Thrower and Grave, you never know when you’re going to get an injection of Amorphis (that’s old Amorphis, before they looked like dikes). And then you’ve got Rotten’s trademark subhuman vokills, some of the smoothest and deepest in the business. They also throw in the best cover of “Ace of Spades” I’ve ever heard for good measure. One of the most challenging Motorhead songs to tackle, and they do so without a hitch. You can’t go wrong with Avulsed.

Funny album title. This band plays decent Gurgle-Grind a la Deeds of Flesh and Disgorge, albeit a little less refined. Nothing spectacular, but not bad by any stretch. A better production would probably help a lot. This drummer’s amazing but his kit sounds like empty 2-liters and trash can lids. One of these guys thanks “God,” but I genuinely feel that might be a joke. I hope it is.

Power Metal with harsh Thrash vocals is significantly more tolerable than that of the Glam fag vocal variety, but it’s still Power Metal nonetheless. I still get visions of Rocky training when I hear it. If you crave the Polish answer to Children of Boredom, here it is.

A tough chore for any critic here. I really like what this band is doing, yet their style is near impossible to describe let alone categorize. This disc is a compilation of efforts featuring The Funerary Preamble EP (2004), The Scales of Truth EP (2002), three cuts from the Uphill Battle split (2001), and a previously unreleased Eyehategod cover. I don’t know how this original act has evaded my watchful eye for the past five years, but better late than never. Very Sludgey, spacious, and downtrodden with gritty, sometimes Blackened screams and occasional Death growls. Every now and then they will drift away into Space Rock, sometimes bordering on shoegazing atmosphere, intact with decent clean vocals. Other times things escalate into full-on mosh territory, but the underlying melancholy and despair is always present. Truly difficult to pigeonhole but not to enjoy, if you can imagine elements of Eyehategod, Neurosis, Burst, Cave-In, Opeth, The Great Deceiver, and Asunder all rolled into one you’re on the cusp of contemplation. Creative and original, just fucking check it out.

This trio sound like they are more than capable of crafting a catchy Black/Death tune, but their self-financed CD is crippled by heinous production. I sympathize, Adversary’s first proper demo tape was also handicapped by a razor thin, torn speaker distortion. Time and money could turn Angel Dissection from pretenders to contenders. Note to self: never take corpse-painted, weapon-bearing band photo in broad daylight in what I have a hunch is a public park… potentially after school.

Here’s a shocker for you, really weird Grindcore from the Czech Republic. Didn’t see that coming did you? Very similar to countrymates Cerebral Turbulency and the legendary Four Seats for Invalides, except weirder. Pretty good, but I’m not digging the Korn elements at all. I can’t say I get it, but I guess that’s the whole idea. What the hell are they smoking over there?

All religions make me wanna throw up. All religions make me sick. All religions make me wanna throw up. All religions suck. They all claim that they have the answer, when they don’t even know the question. They’re just a bunch of liars. They just want your money. They just want your consciousness. All religions make me wanna BLEAH! They really make me sick. They really make me ill.

Former and current members of worthless Old School bands like One 4 One, Bulldoze, Train of Thought, Cold as Life, and Sworn Enemy try to put food on the table by blending their dated Wiggercore with Emo and Pop. Try to imagine a more radio-friendly Freya going toe-to-toe with Hoobastank if you can do so without throwing up. Sorry, this fish isn’t biting. Try the Sevendust crowd.