Dear Death was a hopefully humorous advice column that ran in most of the old print issues of Metal Curse.
Dear Death from Metal Curse #12
[Editor’s note: After his recent failure in the sculpting community for his art showing entitled “Puke: a Retrospective,” Death has left Seattle for New York City, where he hopes to legally shoot innocent people 41 times with his newly commandeered police badge. So here he is, the man, the legend, the underpaid slave of Cursed Productions… Dear Death!]
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Dear Death from Metal Curse #11
[Editor’s Note: Cursed Productions has received an overwhelming number of calls and letters about the sudden removal of the Snow Piss Enema event from the 1998 Winter Olympics. We planned on sending Death to Japan to participate, but that and the Tonya Harding anal rape pornography we had lined up for this issue’s cover didn’t work out. In spite of the change in plans, Death has been very busy in Seattle working on Cursed Productions’ first CD-ROM title, tentatively titled Death Fuck 2000: The Rape and/or Execution of the Spice Girls. Look for it on our mail order list this summer or fall. And now, here he is, Karla Tucker’s new pimp in Hell: Dear Death!]
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Dear Death from Metal Curse #10
[Editor’s note: Death was kidding when he told everyone that you could use Emetrol nausea medication as a local aphrodisiac in the recent Metal Curse online forum. Cursed Productions is not responsible for any disfigurement, scarring, or emotional trauma caused by anyone applying Emetrol to their genitalia. And now, here he is, reporting to us only a mile away from the Kurt Cobain indoor shooting gallery…]
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Dear Death from Metal Curse #9
[Editor’s note: Death has recently relocated to Seattle, to work on his new book Necrophilia and other Deviant Practicies Usable for Tax Shelters. We will miss him at the home office in Indiana and patiently await for his first homicidal works of art in Ted Bundy’s home state. Until then, here he is, the fourth horseman, not the fifth Beatle, and the second coming of the Piss Christ…]
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Dear Death from Metal Curse #8
[Editor’s note: Nothing to say this time. Just get on with reading the letters… and replies of Dear Death!]
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Dear Death from Metal Curse #7
[Editor’s note: There has been some confusion over the trial proceedings for the author of Dear Death, Jon Konrath. There have been many rumors that Jon maimed, murdered, beat, raped, and killed a Catholic nun. These rumors are completely untrue. They fail to mention that Mr. Konrath took 47 hits of acid beforehand, making this acceptable behavior. At any rate, here it is: The sacrilege, The word of anti-god… Dear Death!]
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Dear Death from Metal Curse #6
[Editor’s note: Jon was on a short vacation while he tripped acid for 100 days straight, watched Gwar at half speed, and saw god. We think he has recovered enough (due to the Phenobarbitol we slipped into his Pepsi), so here he is - the man, the legend, the freak… Dear Death!]
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Dear Death from Metal Curse #4
[Editor’s note: Since we’ve noticed we don’t have any kind of advice column, we’ve decided to add a new member to the writing staff. The column’s no ‘Dear Abby’, but then Dear Abby doesn’t exactly answer questions about sex with dead animals. So with this issue of Metal Curse, we’d like to introduce a new writer, “Psycho” Jon Konrath. Jon’s credentials include being stoned since the third grade, memorizing over half the words to “Green Hell,” and being able to break the 7-digit barrier in Tetris while holding a strong 1.0 grade point average. So, we proudly present: Dear Death! ]
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