Dear Death from Metal Curse #7

Posted on Saturday, August 21, 2010

[Editor’s note: There has been some confusion over the trial proceedings for the author of Dear Death, Jon Konrath. There have been many rumors that Jon maimed, murdered, beat, raped, and killed a Catholic nun. These rumors are completely untrue. They fail to mention that Mr. Konrath took 47 hits of acid beforehand, making this acceptable behavior. At any rate, here it is: The sacrilege, The word of anti-god… Dear Death!]

Dear Death:
I have been reading another zine with a column very similar to yours. It’s called “Dear Gravedigger” or something like this. I admit, in general the column really sucks compared to yours, and I thought maybe the writer was just some total cocksucker, but then when I read it, a lot of the letters seemed almost verbatim from some earlier Dear Death articles. Did you write for this other zine?
-Confused in Colorado

Dear Confused:
Nope, this does look like a total buttfucker who is plagiarizing my ideas. I hope nobody is low enough to buy this other zine, and that one of my fans is cool enough to disembowel this fuck with their bare hands…
Death has no master...

What a coincidence:

Dear Death:
I’ve recently joined a cult. At first, I thought it would be fun. But I find myself thinking about it all the time. It’s consuming me. As though it’s not enough I’ve had sex with men who are disgusting, but since I refuse to give these filthy fuckers blowjobs, they have decided to make me pick the next kill. Granted, I enjoy and respect the cult, but I’m fairly new at this. How should I get over my feelings against these dirty men, and who do I pick for my next slaying?
-Slaying Slut from Ohio

Dear Slut:
What a letter. What a woman. I only wish I could have gotten to her before my editor Ray had. I’m glad he passed out after 7 hours so I had a turn too…
Anyway, I was going to have you torture and kill my ex-cunt, who I owe an evil favor to (she likes an anal fist-fuck the best), but since we have found this nice guy who likes me writing so much that he calls it his own… You figure it out.
Death has no master...

Dear Death:
I just got arrested for attempted vehicular manslaughter. What should I do?
-Stoned in South Bend

Dear Stoned:
Get a haircut so you don’t look like a taco.
Death has no master...

Dear Death:
I must start by saying that I really enjoy your column for its creative insight into the morbid. See, my grandfather recently died and I have been using his rotting corpse to satisfy my frotteurism tendencies. However, it has been several months and his body is starting to fall apart, especially in the jaw area. Also, the neighbors are beginning to complain about the smell. Any suggestions?
-Into the Decomposed in Idaho

Dear Into:
Shame, shame. You should never just start to use a raw corpse for sex. A few simple steps beforehand will ensure that it lasts for many years of pleasure. Consider the following:
1. Refrigeration. This works great for storing a body, but it can be a little nippy for necrophilia.
2. Bronzing. Great for heads and hands you want to cherish, but just doesn’t hold that flesh feeling you desire.
3. Taxidermy. The ultimate! This stuff kept Norman’s mom going for three Psycho movies. Highly recommended. Drawback: Slight aftertaste…
Death has no master...

Well freaks, that’s it for this time. I’d like to thank Ray for bugging the fuck out of me until I got this done. The winner of the death by papercut contest is still pending… Keep the entry photos coming in! ‘Til PM Dawn starts covering Anal Cunt songs… hang in there, ya bunch of degenerates…


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