Worthless, pointless, useless, aimless, meaningless Nu-Thrash/Heavy Rock that is void of style, approach, ideas, direction, or heart. I have heard harmonica solos with more depth.

This ain’t no circus and I sure don’t need no clowns.

A chainsaw is a pretty brutal tool. Just ask Tony Montana or those stupid fucking kids who always get lost in Texas. I don’t think a band that sounds like Winger should be allowed to name themselves after such an intimidating potential weapon. When you think of all the proper inanimate objects they could have used to more adequately suit their sound… Butt Plug, Tampon, Rectal Thermometer, Assless Chaps, Adult Diaper, Jon Bon Jovi Autographed Poster… they could’ve been a lot less misleading if they’d wanted to.

Bleak Norwegian Black Metal that pays homage to the forefathers on a track-by-track basis. The opening title track is pure Gorgoroth (before they fucked fashion designers), and “Sign of the Zodiac” is blatant Emperor theft. “Truth Is Truth, Beyond the God” has a distinct Under a Funeral Moon feel, while “All Praise to Thee” might as well be a Burzum cover. I’m not complaining about the lack of originality, these bands deserve homage. What sets Celestial Bloodshed apart is the vocals. A bit more gruff than the traditional Black Metal rasp, almost like Entombed’s Clandestine. Some of the more intense yells sound like ass, but overall you would really have a hard time not liking this. Especially if you miss Norway’s glory days.

This is pure down tuned Deathcore delight. The second album from Carnifex does not disappoint. Their recipe is simple, effective, and I fucking love it. Brutal breakdown on top of brutal breakdown, followed by brutal breakdown, add another brutal breakdown, throw in one more brutal breakdown, then finish with brutal breakdown. And when I say brutal breakdown, I mean Emmure, Whitechapel, and The Acacia Strain all need to watch their backs. Carnifex are as heavy as it gets, and they realize that Rock n’ Roll is not, has never been, and should never be rocket science.

Unlike 99.9% of the bands described as such, Brown Jenkins does actually sound a bit like Burzum. That doesn’t make it essential I realize, however, a little truth in Black Metal advertising is nice for a change. Brown Jenkins is the one-man entity known as UA, an obvious Lovecraft nerd with an affinity for noisy, bleak Black/Doom. Take some stripped down Burzum and Hades, thrown in a dash of Sludge, and you have the basic essence of Brown Jenkins. An essence that lands somewhere between Nortt (but with actual tempo) and Xasthur (but with actual songwriting and music). Angel Eyes is not as melodically memorable as its predecessor, 2007’s Dagonite, but is definitely moodier. It succeeds at serving as a very suitable, atmospheric backdrop for a world that completely fucking sucks.

Look, basically all of these Old School Hardcore bands in the vein of Hatebreed, Terror, and First Blood musically sound identical to one another. It’s not a bad thing and I think even the bands themselves would tell you the same. That said, the pick of the litter are generally chosen based on their lyrics, vocals, and stage presence. The latter in this case I can’t vouch for, but I can tell you that vocalist Mark Williams, albeit very average, is passable. That only leaves the lyrics, which unfortunately for this So-Cal quartet, are a fucking joke. Positivity to the point of nausea! Every passage is like an inspirational Sly Stallone line lifted straight from a Rocky or Rambo script. Sorry, guys. My life sucks and I’m looking for lyricists who will back me up on this.

About as cheap, generic, and forgettable as a Black Metal album can be. Nothing about this 72 minutes of wasted plastic even begins to approach anything remarkable, unique, or necessary. Mind-numbingly boring.

If you’re just going to play Screamo-by-the-numbers Metalcore, you’d better have breakdowns that make me want to move my fat ass, vocals that make me want to kill, and melodic passages that tear at my heartstrings. (Yes, I do have heartstrings.) Bleed the Sky do none of the above, and their production sucks to boot.

Listening to this newest, seventh output from Austria’s Belphegor, I am still amazed at how far they’ve come. When you think about the joke Black Metal band they used to be, it becomes clear that, fail or succeed, they make a conscious effort to make each album better than the last. In 2008, Belphegor is a machine. A machine that creates extremely well-produced, blasting, blasphemous sickness. What’s more prevalent then ever before are the infectious melodies like those found on the title track and “Justine: Soaked in Blood.” There’s even mammoth groove this time around (“Sexdictator Lucifer” and “The Sukkubus Lustrate”). As is the case with every Belphegor album, there is some filler here and there, not to mention some outright Behemoth theft (“Chronicles of Crime”), but the continued improvement in songwriting and structural variety assures that Bondage Goat Zombie is probably their best work ever. At the very least a dead tie with breakthrough album Goatreich - Fleshcult.

Primal Black Metal with a vast array of weapons. “Born in the Serpent of the Abyss” begins with the maniacal hacking and slashing of old Blasphemy, but by song’s end transforms into near shoegazing territory. Other tracks have a strong early Bathory influence, while some have an almost Dissection-like mastery of melodies. It’s a beautiful thing when bands can run the gamut from homicidal to suicidal, and although I can’t quite put my finger on what Behexen is missing, if they ever put it all together they could be unstoppable. As is, still quite a mesmerizing, multifaceted atmospheric journey.

What the fuck does “chaotic War Metal with a southern flair” mean? Is that like profound brilliance with a touch of mental retardation? How about a really hot chick with a club foot? Not sure what exactly Moribund’s PR department is referring to, as Southern Nihilizm contains no flair, southern or otherwise. This is just noisy, average Black Metal with bad production and not a memorable moment to be found. I’m probably the wrong guy to ask though, as I much rather prefer crushing Funeral Doom with Caribbean undertones.

Fast, brutal Black Metal from Finland. Rarely do you hear a Black Metal band so relentless in barbaric attack, yet still retain a memorable edge. Expect no gimmicks, this is pure Old School hellfire-raining-from-the-sky Black Metal with bleak melodies at breakneck speed. Very similar to old Dark Funeral, but a bit more primal. The production is just right. Not over-polished, but far from tin can restraints. Certainly nothing you haven’t heard before, but definitely something you’ll appreciate for all the same reasons.

Blinding fury and dizzying musicianship the likes our shores haven’t produced since the dawn of Angelcorpse. Few US Black/Death outfits are able to effortlessly muscle you into submission with just speed and shred alone, but Austin, Texas’ corpse-painted horde can and will. Ominous, competent melodies played at breakneck speed, just trying to follow the guitars alone will produce an intoxicated state. The sheer, menacing brutality of Advent Parallax takes many twists and turns, but is relentless in attack. Only through repeated listens will you survive this sonic maelstrom. You can have Nachtmystium. When it comes to the undisputed reigning kings of US Black Metal, I’ll take Averse Sefira.

Probably the best band ever… from Lebanon that is. A total Impaled Nazarene rip-off in just about every way. Believe me, I understand their admiration, and they do have the chops to pull it off, but do we really have time in our short lives for second-rate Goat Worship? Nonessential as can be, unless you just absolutely have to own every Metal album ever made.

Raw, filthy Darkthrone/Burzum worship from Sweden. The old cult feeling is alive and well on this album. Bitterness, hatred, guitars, and drums. A mid-pace Black Metal assault worthy of midwinter forest homicide. The only thing I would lose is the occasional high-pitched girly scream. It’s unnecessary and sounds out of place. Other than that, this rules. Grim to the brim.

The folks at Century Media clearly warn all scribes right off the bat. “You could waste a lot of time, breath and adjectives trying to pinpoint what Architects sound like,” reads the first line of the bio. This holds true. Architects are an extremely difficult band to describe. But god damn it, I have to try! How about “boring to the point of ceiling tile counting?” “Completely void of style or anything even remotely memorable sounding?” “Unappealing to anyone who prefers their music good?” “The antithesis of musical excitement?” “A blur of a dozen boring musical styles into one boring musical style that really sucks?” Stop me if you like any of these. “Bland, stale, anti-cool Post-PooPooKaKa?” “Trying so hard to not sound like anything, that they don’t sound like anything… good?” “So not trendy it’s trendy?” “Sleepy Core?” “Dull Rock?” C’mon, guys, this is really quite easy after all. You just have to think hard and try. “Attention span escape artistry?” “Water-flavored Kool Aid?” “A Death Metal addict’s sleepy time?” “Emotional music but, oops, I forgot the emotion?” “An all-white painting?” I think I just pinpointed what Architects sound like exceptionally well considering the difficulty.

Wow, this Light Rock faggot band successfully blends shitty, Hard Rock radio gayness from the ’80s, ’90s, and today. Most happy little bitch groups like this can only trendfuck one single era. Safe, soft, harmless, parentally approved heaviness. Oh, and they’re Christians, too.

My apologies in advance to trendfuckers with a 3-second attention span, I’m going to be using the term “Deathcore” a lot here. I know it’s, like, so 2007, but I actually like the term. Shit, I’ve been using it in reviews for over a decade, so by today’s standards I invented it. I fucked it, fed it, and drove it to school, bitch. It just seems to so perfectly describe a band with Death Metal and Hardcore elements. Get it? Death-Core. Why am I on this tangent? It’s because when I first heard Oakland’s All Shall Perish centuries ago (2003), I had never heard a band so perfectly embody the term. The gut-wrenching brutality and heaviness of Death mixed with the groove and urgency of Core. Two albums later it appears that All Shall Perish are one of many who are sick of the term and of being associated with it. I’m not saying it’s a complete overhaul, but the breakdowns are in slim supply and the overall heaviness and groove have seemingly been swapped for speedy Thrash and Gothenburg melodicism (which apparently no one ever gets sick of, ever). Power Metal even rears it’s gay head on “Black Gold Reign,” and there’s a plethora of clean-vocals-for-the-sake-of-clean-vocals and instrumentals. There’s, like, 17 instrumentals on this album. Instrumentals are, like, so Spring of ‘08. In all seriousness, this isn’t a terrible album. It’s just that it’s the weakest of All Shall Perish’s young but respectable career, and I hate people. Some gems in the rough: “When Life Meant More,” “Never Again,” and “Until the End.”

Aborted should change their name to Adopted. That’s all they’ve really ever done concerning other bands’ styles. Don’t get me wrong, I love this band and always have. In fact, I’d be willing to bet I liked them way before you did, so don’t get lippy, bitch. It’s just that after repeated spins of Strychnine.213, I miss the days when they’d rip off Carcass and Cannibal Corpse as opposed to the full fledge Metalcore troupe they’ve become over the last few years. I recall it didn’t bother me at all at first. In fact, I believe my exact remarks to a close friend after hearing 2005’s Archaic Abattoir were, “Fucking holy fucking shit, dude! The new fucking Aborted has motherfucking breakdowns! Fuck yeah, man! Fucking mosh!!” Or something along those lines. Well, what a difference three years and now two cleaner, watered-down versions of Archaic Abattoir have made. My immediate reaction to Slaughtered & Apparatus you might ask? “Is this fucking Shadows Fall?” And to this album I say, “I think I’ll have a beer and go listen to Engineering the Dead.” In all honesty, this really isn’t that bad. But it really isn’t that Aborted either.