Nashville Doomsters Loss write long songs, but it takes them even longer to actually get the album out. Despond is a debut full-length seven years in the making. And if you want to knit pick, it only contains three new songs (not counting the intro/outro, and two instrumental segues). Two tracks here originally appeared on the Life Without Hope… Death Without Reason demo, and another is from the split with Worship. Okay, that’s as much as I’m going to bitch about because I actually love this album more than I hate life. They have vastly stepped their game up. I have Deathgasm’s pressing of said demo, and it was just okay. The production was a little too crude to suit Funeral Doom and, sadly for me, the bonus cover of Katatonia’s “Brave” -albeit done well- was live and therefore even more crude sounding. Apparently these guys have spent every day of that seven years honing their craft to perfection, as Despond shimmers with beautiful negativity in its crushing, surreal heaviness. The production flaws have all been ironed out. The aforementioned older cuts sound a million times better, with the elegantly titled, “Cut Up, Depressed and Alone,” stealing the show. Loss weave the saddest clean guitar licks into their oppressively brutal epics. Imagine Pink Floyd jamming with Ahab! The bestial, suicidal mourning that haunts every passing second of this hour-long journey through human suffering never once sounds forced or faked, the common trappings of the bands of this ilk who fail. This is the soundtrack to pure depression, and quite possibly the finest Funeral Doom offering any American band have or ever will contribute to the scene. No foolies.

This is just one of those bands that will never go away until the members are finally dead. I don’t want to make it sound as if I’m not a fan at all. I proudly own Humanity Is the Devil and Seasons in the Size of Days, both great albums from the mid-’90s that still sound great today. It’s just that.. well… check this band’s discography out on Wikipedia sometime when you get the chance. Even with the compilation tracks subtracted it’s still uncountable. You can have too much of a good thing, let alone a mediocre thing. Here I’d thought this band had called it quits for awhile. Judging by what I’ve heard recently, including this new album, it’s writing quality songs that they quit doing. This album sounds like it was recorded live and, oops, someone forgot to mic the drums. Unless they want you to only hear the drums when the guitars aren’t distorted. You never know, some people really want you to think they’re crazy, or different, or both, or that they just don’t give a fuck (see album title). They do, trust me. You don’t release 37 recordings per year solely for your own enjoyment. Even if this didn’t sound like it was recorded at a truck stop bathroom, not much here would be salvageable. “Sermon Thirteen” and track 5 (the name of the song, much like the album title, too stupid to type) are the only songs I can actually remember, but that’s just because they were gayer than the rest. One is spoken word to some kind of hippie jam band music, the other is just noise filler, and again, this is the standout material. The rest is a balance of Crusty and Sludgy Hardcore so unmemorable and dull that I momentarily forgot who I was listening to. So, yeah, go check out Humanity Is the Devil and Seasons in the Size of Days, leave this one on the shelf. It wwas extremeLEE PAINfull to sit THReww.

Finnish gloom masters Insomnium are a pillar of consistency in the field of Melodeath. They’re right up there with Amon Amarth when it comes to manipulating melody to get the exact feel you want. For the Swedes it’s epic majesty, for these Finns it’s energetic melancholy. I actually heard “Weather the Storm” for the first time late last year. I figured it was a castaway from the Across the Dark sessions or maybe the Lithuanian bonus track. The release of this single, however, has me leaning more towards something from an upcoming new album, or perhaps just a stopgap treasure. I wasn’t able to detect it back then, but this cut actually features Dark Tranquillity’s Mikael Stanne with a little guest vocal action on the pre-chorus. Nice to hear his raspy snarl mesh with the sorrowful roar of Niilo Sevanen. This is a fantastic song with terrific buildup. One arrangement sets up the next perfectly, with climactic melody being the vehicle. The kind of song that makes you want to climb a mountain, stand proudly atop, then jump off and end your miserable life. What keeps this release from perfection is the B-side. A true B-side in every sense of the word, an instrumental. Don’t get me wrong, for lack of a better a word, “Beyond the Horizon” is pretty. It’s just a little mellow, hinting at boring, and really pales in comparison to the brilliance of the A-side. An A-side in every sense of the word.

It would appear that this Norwegian band have taken the US by storm with their debut self-titled album, and I’ve been anxious to find out not only why, but how, considering their name is beyond pronounceable for the average American idiot, not to mention it just took me six hours to type it correctly twice. If you listen to Liquid Metal on satellite radio or Music Choice’s Metal channel, chances are you’ve heard their big hit, “Mjod,” about eleven times today. It is a catchy tune with an anthemic, sing-along quality, but the lyrics not being in English make that part a bit tough for me. The rest of the album is pretty much in the same vein as the single. Straight up Motorhead-influenced Rock with a touch of basic Black Metal a la Enslaved. “Sultans of Satan” is a fairly memorable cut, plus it’s the one song title on the album I can actually say, but I wasn’t ready for them to drop a “Foxy Lady” riff-bomb on me mid-song. I bet if Norway has motorcycle assholes like we do here, this is their new favorite band. Sometimes the album gets too unashamedly radio-ready Rock to take 100% seriously. Norway’s answer to the Foo Fighters, perhaps? Nevertheless, I guess the answer I was searching for as to why they’re so popular here is now evident. It’s completely safe, non-threatening, harder music for the kids to download, even if they have no clue what the hell they’re saying. As simplistic and bare-knuckled as the arrangements are, it should be a lot more memorable than it is. And what little does stick is generally forgotten seconds after the song ends. Don’t get me wrong, it is tolerable, but not much here for the dark side dweller.

In the four years since Arch Enemy’s last new studio album (not counting The Root of All Evil, which was re-recordings of songs from the band’s first three, pre-Angela Gossow, LPs), I may have forgotten how diverse this group can be. There are times here when the drumming is very intense, such as most of the almost Black Metal sounding “Through the Eyes of a Raven,” and occasionally galloping like classic Iron Maiden, but then many other moments where it’s kind of more in a Hard Rock vein. I don’t mean to imply that the variety is necessarily bad, but there were times when I felt that the extremity could have been turned up. Thinking back now, maybe that wouldn’t even be a good idea. In any case, Khaos Legions is somehow instantly memorable, and the songwriting and musicianship on display here are as stunning as the nearly flawless production. Check out the simple, mournful guitar solo at about 3:30 into “City of the Dead” for an amazing example of how less can truly be more. And listen to the clearly audible basslines throughout the album for more being more. Angela’s easily-understandable raspy snarl is unloved by some, but I’ve never had a problem with it or her (even though she may have the most produced vocals this side of Dani Filth), and she really cuts loose a time or two, venturing into rawer territory for an instant. The only thing not to like about this LP is that there are (at least) four different versions of it: The normal CD, with 14 tracks; the Mediabook edition, with a second disc containing four cover songs; the iTunes download with bonus live track; and of course the Japanese CD with two exclusive songs. This multiple-different-versions-of-the-same-album bullshit seems to be getting more and more commonplace, and I can’t be the only one who hates paying for something only to find out that I’m missing part of it.

I’m sure that re-imagining My Dying Bride songs (or parts of songs, whatever) into sparse Orchestral/Ambient backgrounds, with Aaron occasionally talking over them and some Opera chick sporadically singing snippets of lyrics (and not in a cool way, if that’s even possible) must have seemed like a good idea to someone. That person needs immediate mental help. In its 2-CD regular edition (or limited edition digibook), Evinta is the most tedious, uninteresting 87 minutes I’ve ever heard. Hearing the fan in my computer spin is infinitely more engaging. I’d say that it was a chore to sit through this album, but while it played I kept forgetting that I was even listening to anything at all, so completely did it fade into the background and onward into oblivion. Please don’t misunderstand and think that I simply don’t like Dark Ambient. I do when the mood strikes me, if it’s interesting (Arcana, Endura to name but two). Evinta, however, is not dark and it’s certainly not interesting, it’s not even annoying or terrible - it’s not anything. The 3-CD deluxe edition is 42 minutes longer, for those who wish for more nothing. I want my 130 fucking minutes back.

I still miss Marduk’s demented old screamer, Legion (and Dread, before him). Mortuus (aka Guy-Who-Is-Not-Legion) tries his best, and at least he’s better in a studio than he is live, which was borderline embarrassing when I saw them late last year. I know that it has been about eight years since Legion was actually a member of this band, but it’s difficult to not think about his influence when listening to these Swedish blasphemers. What I mean by that is Iron Dawn makes my mind wander. Oh sure, the requisite Black Metal speed and intensity are here, except for the pseudo-Industrial slowness of the final of these three tracks, but it’s not at all memorable, and isn’t anything else enough to make up for that. Worse yet, it became more and more of a chore to listen to this with each successive spin, so for once maybe I should have only played it a single time and just gone with an old-fashioned (not that kind of old-fashioned, South Park fans!) ultra-short review like, “Often, but not always, intense, unmemorable Swedish Black Metal from a band living off its once-mighty reputation.”

I’ll admit, I was a little shocked to learn that Old School Death Metal veterans Jungle Rot had signed to Victory Records. Sure, it’s not like they’re a 100% Hardcore label anymore, but they’ll always be tied to it in the minds of many. I did think it was cool, albeit weird, that such a big label would give them a deal considering Jungle Rot have never really found a comfortable home for too long (Pulverizer, Olympic, Crash, Napalm), and they deserve it just about as much as anyone. But would they change their style? What was I worried about, fuck no they haven’t changed their style. This is essentially the same band Adversary shared the stage with in 1995! Frontman Dave Matrise being the only original member, of course. Kill on Command is pure Jungle Rot to the core. Mid-paced, groovy, barbaric, heavy-as-fuck, simple Death Metal. I’m just waiting for some piece of shit to bitch about the breakdowns on this album, given the Victory connection. Someone should play them the Rip Off Your Face demo and show them that Jungle Rot have been doing breakdowns since the only CD they owned was Cypress Hill. Other critics will undoubtedly shit on the album for its lack of technicality and simplistic approach. I like to call those critics “fags.” What matters is that it’s memorable, and anthems like “Blood Ties,” “Demoralized,” and the title track stuck in my head after one listen. I give two shits how many notes you can play in 20 seconds. I’m not trying to suck anyone’s dick backstage, I just want to bang my head. (Metal health’ll drive you mad.)

What the fuck happened here? After providing us with the motherfucking comeback album of the year - if not of all time - with 2009’s Resurrection Macabre, the Dutch Death gods have flipped a total bitch on us. I kept putting off this review for weeks because I wanted to like it. I listened to it repeatedly on several different occasions, in several different moods, trying to force myself to like it. I even put it on after a night of heavy drinking when ALL of my standards are genuinely lower! The fact is, this album fucking sucks. If someone can tell me how a single riff on this album goes, I’ll mail you a fucking dollar. Mameli’s vocals are fucking HORRIBLE. He sounds like Cronos with some kind of malignant esophageal cancer! A pointless intro, the aforementioned vocals of terribleness, and occasional Primus-style bass fuck-arounds are the only elements that stand out on this 40 minutes of supreme disappointment. Maybe not in league with the new Morbid Angel when it comes to Death Metal letdowns, but definitely a close runner up. Or is it possible that it’s even more upsetting when you take into consideration their brilliant return to form of just two years ago? Either way it sucks midget leper shlong. I guess for every Testimony of the Ancients we get, we’re going to have to eat a Spheres afterward. Yucky!