This two-song single was released just prior to Silencing Machine, and is composed of one original track and one cover song. The original track, “As Made,” is very Industrial sounding. It still has strong Black Metal roots, but the mechanized drumming and the repetitive guitar-work plants this song more in the Nine Inch Nails side of Industrial. Compared to the material on Silencing Machine, this is very raw and aggressive. The material on the album is far more polished than this. The rougher production adds to the abrasiveness of the song, so although it isn’t as clean, it’s still effective. While “As Made” is very raw and aggressive, the other song is not. Song number two is a cover of Joy Division’s “The Eternal.” You go from harsh and abrasive to slower and mellow. Face it, you’re never going to hear Joy Division described as “brutal” or “aggressive” by anyone with intact hearing. It’s quite a contrast. The songs are both well performed but the starkness of the differences between the two makes reviewing this very hard. On one hand, this is a very diverse release. On the other hand, there are only two songs here. The fact that they sound so radically different from each other makes this EP sound inconsistent. This could have easily been two different bands. If you told me that this was a split-EP featuring Nachtmystium and some Goth Metal band, I would have totally believed it. While musically good, the lack of consistency brings this down for me. If there was a common thread between the two songs, this would have been a stronger release. This was just too schizophrenic.

The latest album from Deiphago can best be described as a fist to the face. This album sucker-punches you immediately after the intro and then proceeds to beat the shit out of you until the outro starts. Musically, this is a Black Metal wall of sound that is one part Blasphemy, one part Sarcofago and one part all-out chaos. The thing about Satan Alpha Omega is that it is unrelenting and out of control to the point where all semblance of structure disintegrates. Deiphago exemplifies everything that it means to be Black Grind. If you worship at the altar of the Ross Bay Gods, you’ll eat this up like a fat kid chews through a box of donuts. I’m honestly surprised that this album wasn’t released by Nuclear War Now! Records. This is right up their alley. My issue with this LP isn’t that Deiphago doesn’t kick enough ass. Quite the contrary. This record is one long ass-kicking. My problem with it is that, for the most part, this sounds like ten different versions of the same song. The drumming is repetitive and monotonous, which stands to reason. Everything here, with the exception of the intro and outro tracks, is set to Warp Ten speeds. You can only play a blast beat so many ways. The guitars sound like low rumbling noises instead of musical instruments. If there are actual riffs being played, I can’t tell what they are. Everything is a giant ball of distortion, blasting drums and caustic vocals. Satan Alpha Omega is the Black Metal equivalent of getting stuffed head first into a giant industrial-strength shredding machine. It’s as ugly as sin, as brutal as a dismemberment and as out of control as a prison riot. If you like bands like Conquerer, Black Witchery, Revenge or Impiety, all of this is giving you a giant erection that can only be satisfied by purchasing and listening to this album. At full blast. If you want a well written and well produced Metal record, this isn’t it. If you want your face torn off, Satan Alpha Omega will do just that.

From a marketing standpoint, this UK outfit —not to be confused with Nordic retro-Doomsters Devil (no “the”)— had me intrigued from the start. With a moniker so simple it begs an explanation, and the alluring cover art (a mysterious cloaked figure in red just begging to bargain for my soul), a morbid curiosity was forged almost immediately. However, upon seeing Candlelight’s ad for this self-titled debut, my interest lessened somewhat. If doing this for so long has taught me anything, it’s how to decipher label bullshit. Allow me to decode the following description for you: “The Devil is not a typical Metal band {they don’t have a vocalist}. Combining Heavy Metal with select historical, political, and conspiracy-laden oracles {they use a lot of samples}, the anonymous masked and cloaked musicians {they didn’t get permission to use said samples} present a cinematic soundscape {keyboards} that is sure to strike the fancy of the curious {Metalheads are suckers for masks}.” Okay, I cheated. I listened to it beforehand. But you get the drift. Truth is, these shrouded blokes do play a very haunting, atmospheric brand of laid back, Doomy-paced, synth-driven Gothic Metal with occasionally extra-meaty guitars that summon a brutish Death Metal vibe. So much so, I can’t help but wonder how much more staying power this would have with the addition of vocals — be they abrasive or clean, or both. Instead the band uses samples to drive the songs, with each track’s compiled soundbites focusing on various concepts. Topics include aliens (“Universe”), 9/11 being an inside job (“World of Sorrow”), JFK’s assassination (“Devil & Mankind”), World War III (“Extinction Level Event”), and secret societies (“Illuminati”), among others. I think it’s safe to call The Devil the inaugural NWOHCM (New Wave of History Channel Metal) act. Aside from the 29-minute single-drone outro (just what every InstruMetal LP needs), this does make for a truly captivating, edge-of-your-seat novelty listen the first few times around. Unfortunately there just isn’t a ton of replay value beyond that. Songs that double as mini-documentaries are doomed to become reruns quickly. In summary, I am but mildly amused by the one with horns.

This album has gone beyond the mantra of “Other Bands Play, Manowar KILLS!” As each epic production is released by these guys it just appears to get better and better. Eric Adams has one of the best vocal styles I’ve ever laid my ears on, and Joey DeMaio is, well, a diabolical force to be reckoned with. I have to admit, I wasn’t instantly hooked on this album as much as I was with Gods of War. I guess because I knew Gods was going to be rich in Norse mythology and storytelling of prolific proportions, so I was biased from the start. But, The Lord of Steel does not disappoint. I especially appreciate the transition from “Born in a Grave” to “Righteous Glory.” Pure epic Metal and a throwback to a well-orchestrated ballad that includes a touch of the Norse mythos in the lyrics. My only wish is that they performed more in the states. Watching them via YouTube has saddened me to no end. All of the great shows they produce are overseas, but at least we have the video to appreciate the pure power that is Manowar. Anyway, back to Lord of Steel. Yes, this album is very well produced and holds to the high standard of anything that Manowar puts their hands on. Yes, it’s full of grand lyrical illusion. And finally, it’s Metal, through and through, it’s Metal…’nuff said.

Grave Digger is back with a teaser for their upcoming full-length album. This six-song affair showcases one of their new songs (“Home at Last”), two non-album tracks and three live songs. If you’re a fan of Grave Digger already, this isn’t anything you haven’t heard before. They have the same Thrashy Power Metal sound that you’ve come to expect from them. If you love Power Metal, this is one of the genre’s notable bands. The title track is the best one here, with the two other studio cuts following not far behind in quality. The live songs are hit or miss. Though they were recorded at Wacken (and also appear on The Clans Are Still Marching, so they are not exclusive to this release), it sounds as though things were touched up in the studio. The guitars and keyboards sound far too perfect for a live recording. The only parts that don’t sound touched up were the audience and the lead vocal track. Frankly, I think that the vocals should have been fixed too, because they aren’t very good. Chris Boltendahl isn’t so bad on “Ballad of a Hangman,” but “Heavy Metal Breakdown” sounds terrible. If my memory is correct, “Heavy Metal Breakdown” was the last song on their regular set, so it explains why his voice is totally shot by then. If you’ve never heard this band before, Home at Last is a fair introduction to how they sound now, both live and in the studio. If you’re already a fan, you really have to be hardcore about getting everything they’ve ever produced, because only the two non-album tracks (“Rage of the Savage Beast” and “Metal Will Never Die”) are exclusive to this EP. With the title track being the obvious standout, my personal opinion is that this isn’t worth chasing down just for those two songs. For your dollar, the full-length album would be a better investment.

This is not a new album by Croatia’s Wolfenhords. The Flame of Pagan War is a compilation of songs from Wolves of the New Beginning, Pathway to Lunar Utopia, Slavonic Alliance and various demo tracks. That being said, the quality ranges from fairly good to absolutely fucking awful. Naturally, the fucking awful sounding stuff comes first. If you can survive the first half of this album, the second half is actually pretty good. The songs are definitely better in quality and sound once you get to track nine. The first half of this compilation is raw, primitive Black Metal in the style of old Graveland and Darkthrone. The second half has more of a Black Thrash feel, and the production is definitely better and the playing is tighter. One thing to note about Wolfenhords is that ideologically, the band is NSBM (National Socialist Black Metal, also known as “that Nazi shit”). They aren’t as blatant as some (such as Pantheon or Thor’s Hammer), but it doesn’t take a genius to figure out where their political loyalties lie. This would also explain why their sound is so rough, particularly on their earlier recordings. A lot of bands in this genre are enamored with that whole “kvlt” sound where Burzum (particularly the first three releases) and old Graveland loom large as influences. As you can tell by the fact that things get better on the more recent material, they’ve evolved beyond the underproduced and raw Black Metal style to a more Thrash influenced sound (German Thrash, naturally) with clearer sound and tighter playing. If you’ve recently come upon this band’s music and you want to check out how their older material sounded, this is a good indicator of where they were and how they evolved. The older albums are likely out of print so this may be the only way you’ll be able to hear that stuff.

When I first saw the cover art for this album, I didn’t know what to think about Spellcraft. The cover was kind of generic (a demon standing on some snakes and the usual unreadable band logo), so I kind of assumed that the band was too. I like it when I’m proven wrong and Spellcraft proved me wrong. This isn’t generic Black Metal at all. The first track had a Graveland vibe to it due to the Slavic Folk influence in the guitar playing, but subsequent songs were more straight-forward melodic Black Metal with some interesting atmospheric elements. Of course, when you consider that this band is from Spain, it kind of makes sense that they wouldn’t have a strong Slavic Folk influence. I would have been surprised if they did, though. Then again, I once saw a band that essentially played NSBM (their albums had swastikas all over them and their T-shirts had SS soldiers gassing Jews), but the band had members that were clearly Mexican. Slavic Black Metal from Spain wouldn’t have been that much of a stretch in comparison. When it comes to atmospheric elements, most bands lay on the keyboards a-la Dimmu Borgir. Spellcraft doesn’t use much keyboard on this album at all. Instead, the atmosphere comes from the guitars and the inclusion of acoustic interludes, and also incorporating acoustic guitar into the songs. They also use clean vocals and weird guitar harmonics. Where Spellcraft falters (I wouldn’t call it “failure”) is when they kick up the speed. When they play fast, they ruin the atmosphere and the drumming tends to overpower the guitars. The issues with the drumming overwhelming the guitars comes from the usual sources: the snare and the bass drum. The snare is overly loud and the bass drum sounds like a light switch. When Spellcraft plays in the lower speed range (slow to mid-paced), the snare doesn’t get in the way. When they kick up the speed, the drummer starts riding the snare like it was the only drum in his entire kit, and working the light switch bass drum like a hyperactive kid hopped up on a Costco bucket of sour gummy worms. This is mostly a production issue and could be fixed by a competent studio engineer. Spellcraft is a band to look out for. If they can get their production issues worked out, their next album will be great.

I’ve seen this album slagged on a number of sites for not being powerful enough. I certainly agree that the sound isn’t as potent as it could be. When you compare it to the top tier bands in their chosen genre (Power Metal), Dragony definitely lacks the proper punching power on Legends. I’m not going to hold that against them, though. This is their debut album and it was originally self-financed and self-released. When you’re paying for everything out of your own pocket, you’re not going to have the budget of a band like Stratovarius or Rhapsody. Musically, this started out as a very ambitious project and has since been scaled back to more realistic levels. Even so, it still sounds very ambitious. Dragony does a fair job of achieving their goals. The music is very well done, though if you’re a fan of Power Metal, you’re really not getting anything you haven’t heard before. That is the main downfall of this album, if there is one. Yes, it doesn’t go anywhere other bands haven’t gone before. The thing is, most fans of this genre listen to Power Metal for everything that Dragony is dishing out. Do you like soaring guitar solos? They’re here. Lyrics about slaying dragons and legendary warriors? Absolutely. Epic atmosphere and bombast? A more powerful production would’ve made this more apparent, but it’s here too. If you’re an old Dungeons and Dragons nerd, this could be the soundtrack to your youth. If you love Power Metal and you can’t get enough of the things I just mentioned, Dragony isn’t going to disappoint you. I actually enjoyed this album quite a bit. It’s a bit of a guilty pleasure for me, but then I grew up on Ronnie James Dio’s lyrics about witches and dragons. In a reality where life revolves around work, work and more work, Legends offers a brief escape from dealing with assholes, hipsters, overly aggressive homeless people and clueless political activists. I’ll take any escape I can get, and Dragony’s world of dragons and the mighty warriors that slay them is far better than what I’m leaving behind.

I hesitate to use the word “revival” when speaking in Death Metal terms. As far as the time-tested nihilist is concerned, the genre has not at any point since its late-’80s birth lost its power or appeal. Let’s face it, even before the internet crippled the recording industry, no Death Metal band was ever destined to make millions. (I don’t think Dethklok should count.) So, while it may take an occasional backseat to the flavor of the month (Black Metal, Metalcore, Neurosis clones, Sabbath worshippers, etc), it has never died, nor will it ever. You simply can’t kill what’s already Death. But let’s just say that over the last handful of years, there has been an influx of new underground talent, and it seems as though the most notable of this fresh-blood boom are devoted to two specific camps of homage: Old School Swedeath and Incantation. Which of these does Father Befouled belong to? Let’s ask vocalist/guitarist Ghoat (also of Encoffination), who told Decibel magazine last year: “(We) sound just like Incantation… That’s one of my absolute favorite bands, so I wanted to make music like that.” I don’t care how much you pine for originality, it’s hard to argue with that logic. And sound like Incantation they do, indeed. Get John McEntee drunk enough and blindfold him, even he might guess Revulsion of Seraphic Grace to be his own doing. You see, it isn’t just that abysmal twisted riffing style and bestial vocal spewage they’ve nailed. They have successfully replicated the actual aura of the band. The production, the tone, the pitch… it all feels like an Incantation album, right down to song titles like “Indulgence of Abhorrent Prophecies,” “Irreverent Ascendancy,” and “Obscurance of Universality” (coincidentally my favorite three cuts). What’s remarkable is how cohesive the album sounds, considering it was written via video and file-sharing by members strewn across the USA. This may not be an original band, or even an original concept, but when Father Befouled’s darkened grime is emanating from my speakers, it’s impossible for me to have any kind of problem with it.

I’ve followed Absu in one capacity or another since their Death Metal days (The Temples of Offal EP). That being said, I don’t know what the guys in Absu were thinking when they decided to release this track as a one-song single. When you do a single or a 7-inch EP, you want to put a song on there that is worthy of standing alone. “Hall of the Masters” is a decent song. Decent songs aren’t singles. They’re filler tracks. The ones you classify as singles are the standouts. They are the ones you listen to and say, “That was fucking awesome!!!” I listened to this and said, “Filler.” Even as a digital download, I wouldn’t pay $1.29 (what top end singles are going for these days on Amazon.com). I wouldn’t even pay a full dollar. I’d say this was in the $0.50 to $0.75 range. If I had a new Absu album and this track was on it, I doubt that I would single it out as being the best song. If I did, the rest of the album would be so far below par that I would question why it was released at all. Only the most die-hard Absu fan should bother with this release. It isn’t that special, and frankly there are better songs out there that are worthier of my hard-earned dollars.

Cryptopsy doesn’t kick enough ass. That’s my general feeling about this whole album. I’ve listened to it about eight times in a row, and each time this is how I feel. Their style is very technical but totally lacking in brutality. When I listen to Death Metal, I want it to kick my ass. This album is slick, polished and generic. It also lacks any sort of heaviness. It’s Death Metal for the Hot Topic set. I’m not saying that this doesn’t have merit. It’s got some moments of greatness, particularly in the guitar soloing, but those moments are fleeting. The music was overly complicated and anti-memorable. After this album was over, I couldn’t recall one song. I don’t think I could remember one riff even if my life depended on it. I kept waiting for Cryptopsy to stop with the hyper-technical riffing and oddball song structures and just cave my skull in. Sadly, that never happened and I had to pull out a Behemoth album to get the kind of mayhem and destruction that I wanted from Death Metal music. Listening to Cryptopsy reinforced my opinion that Technical and Progressive Death Metal are abominations. They’re all navel-gazing technicality and devoid of the darkness, aggression and brutality that drew me to Death Metal in the first place, just like this album.

I was going to joke about the new band name of Black Metal’s first openly gay man containing the word “seed,” but I think Gaahl’s been through enough. Truth is, I don’t give two shits about the dude’s sexual preference. Contrary to popular belief, I am 100% not homophobic. I realize it’s what a Gaahl wants, it’s what a Gaahl needs, and ultimately Gaahls just wanna have fun. All I’m concerned with is the quality of the material, Gaahl. However, Gorgoroth’s material has never done much for me, and since this is basically Gorgoroth (Gaahl and main songwriter King ov Hell) with a legally-forced name change, expectations weren’t particularly high for this debut LP. As it turns out, this is very different from Gorgoroth, but not always in the good way. Opener “Awake” signals the arrival of psychedelic and electronic elements interwoven into the duo’s icy Second Wave grimness. One could say Gaahl’s gone wild. Yet his Blackened rasp is as solid as they come. That’s never been the problem. You go, Gaahl. What it boils down to is a severe lack of memorability. Not much of I Begin begs for repeated spins. There are a few engaging moments —the symphonically epic Doomy arrangement on “This from the Past,” the headbangable fury bookended by blast on “The Wound”— but nothing that draws in and hooks the listener. “From the Running of Blood” and “Lit” both ride majestic melodies throughout, but are gutchecked by some truly awkward clean-vocal decisions. Big Gaahls don’t cry. “Alt Liv” is an outer space dweller that refuses to go anywhere, and I’m not even sure what “Aldrande Tre” is. That Gaahl is Poison. It’s safe to say what works for Blake Judd doesn’t always work for King. In the end, this is just another decent-but-forgettable record added to his legacy of mediocrity.

Somewhere underneath six hundred and sixty-six layers of reverb is the new album by Queen of Heathens. I’m serious. This has a shit ton of reverb on it. The guitars are so thick with it that I can’t tell if there are actual riffs or if The Cartographer (apparently the sole member of this band based on what is written on their bandcamp.com site) is just rubbing the guitar up against someone’s balls. On the plus side, I can’t say that Queen of Heathens is blatantly aping someone else. On the minus side, it still sounds like absolute shit. If you took a shitty rehearsal tape from some fourth-rate Black Metal band from 1993 and played it at full blast from the bottom of a network of caves, this is what it would sound like if you were listening to it from the mouth of the cave. This makes the production on Satanic Blood (Von) sound like the latest release by the Rolling Stones. I imagine that there is someone out there that thinks Ethereality is the new epitome of “kvlt,” but to me, this is a borderline unlistenable mess. And worse yet, this is their third album. If this shows “progression” then I definitely don’t want to hear the first two. Maybe in twenty years, Queen of Heathens will finally release an album that is actually listenable, but frankly I don’t see that happening.

Depressive Black Metal… the Norwegian way. That’s what I’m talking about! Bring that shit! This trio’s sophomore effort is a hypnotic, multi-dimensional beast that undoubtedly belongs in the mix for Black Metal album of the year discussion. If anything prevents Lights Out from attaining the top spot, it’s most likely meandering leadoff cut “Untame,” which feels more like an intro/soundcheck than a song. Seven minutes of pre-game stretching is not the entrance this LP deserves, even if it does briefly hint at the melancholic genius in store. Much better to begin with track #2, the suicidal gem “Leave It All to Burn,” as it and the next four songs to follow comprise the broken heart and soul of this grim masterpiece. “Scarecrow” wanders even deeper into the bitter void of SDBM territory, but Posthum are not some one-dimensional, one-man project recorded on Pro-Tools in a dorm room. Their sound is full, their performance is tight, and the overall presentation is thoroughly professional. The production is immaculate yet organic, letting the sorrowful melodies breathe, allowing each instrument to permeate clearly, and capturing the dejected rage of Jon Kristian Skare’s serrated rasp perfectly. His tortured voice is what takes the record next-level. Imagine the guy from Enslaved, but with talent. The haunting “Red” transitions from frostbitten blasting to a regal Katatonia/October Tide stomp with reserved elegance, while “Resiliant” dabbles in the fist-pumping Black ‘n’ Roll pomp of present-day Satyricon. The trance-inducing “Absence” begins with an unassuming hook that wouldn’t sound out of place on a Thursday album before settling in to a rhythmic hypnosis fueled by Burzumesque double-bass patterns. Finally, the chilling, piano-aided instrumental “Afterglow” gives way to the closing title track, which bids its somber farewell by ending in 90 seconds of wistful Blackened Shoegaze. Posthum convincingly blend their native homeland’s traditional Svart roots with the more personal and more passionate approach of today’s Post-BM elite into a unique style all their own. This is Norwegian Black Metal all grown up.

You know, there is a reason why some tracks are “rare and unreleased,” and that reason is the same as why said tracks should remain rare and unreleased. The truth is that most of these songs were never put on an album because, to put it bluntly, they fucking suck Godzilla’s giant mutant reptile penis. The first nine cuts on this double-vinyl LP compilation (almost the entirety of the first disc) aren’t even Metal. They’re either weird Ambient shit or fucking Techno remixes (because Satan knows we need a few more of those…). A good chunk of these don’t even qualify as “rare and unreleased,” because they appeared on Coroner, a compilation album that had a mix of old and new material. All of these non-Metal tracks are either boring as all hell or absolute crap. When I buy an album like this, I want to hear music that is representative of the band, not an LP full of discarded intros. The two Metal songs, “Spectators of Sin” and “The Invincible,” are the best ones here, but if you’ve got the bootleg release of Death Cult or you’re an old fart like me and have a copy of the demo tape, this isn’t new material. If you don’t have Death Cult, you’re not a Coroner fan. For those too young to remember, Death Cult was the legendary Coroner demo tape that featured Tom Warrior/Gabriel/Fischer/whatever-the-fuck-he’s-calling-himself-these-days (Hellhammer/Celtic Frost/Triptykon for those who’ve been living under a rock for the last three decades) on vocals. If you even know who Coroner is, I shouldn’t have had to tell you that. The second LP of this collection is where the bulk of the good stuff is. The majority of disc two is devoted to live tracks, all of which were recorded in 1995. Even though the live songs are far and away better than all of the non-Death Cult stuff, the chosen tracks were all off of Mental Vortex, Grin and Coroner. All of my favorite songs by Coroner are from the first three albums (R.I.P., Punishment for Decadence and No More Colours), none of which were represented here. Still, the live tracks were at least heavy and Metal. If this release had just been the live recordings and the two demo cuts, I would have rated it at least an eight. I would’ve preferred a live album with music spanning the band’s entire career, though. They have enough good songs to make that something I would’ve gladly paid for. The non-Metal shit sinks this release and frankly, if it wasn’t for the two Death Cult tracks, the whole first LP would have been a glorified Coroner coaster. Only the most die-hard Coroner fans should even think about buying this and even then, this is a hard sell at best.

When I heard that Allen West (ex-Obituary) was in this band, it came as no surprise that Southwicked has an old-school Florida Death Metal sound. In fact, most of the riffs here could easily have fit in with an early Obituary album (circa Slowly We Rot or Cause of Death). The only thing missing was John Tardy’s “I’m vomiting up my lungs” vocal delivery. Stylistically, this is very straight-forward mid-paced Death Metal that worships at the altar of Celtic Frost/Hellhammer. The downside of that style is that while each song is solid on its own, the album as a whole tends to sound a bit monotonous. Every track sits in the same speed range, never breaking out of the narrow groove that they’ve carved out for themselves. The pacing never really changes, so even though the riffing does, it still feels like you’re listening to what could be one really long song. If I’m not mistaken, this was an issue that plagued Obituary as well. What made Cause of Death a classic was a combination of John Tardy’s dynamic vocals and James Murphy’s insane soloing. Those broke up the general monotony of Obituary’s basic song structures. In the case of Southwicked, they don’t have the dynamic vocals (opting instead for a basic Death growl, provided by Sven Poets) and they don’t have the kind of explosive soloing that they need to break things up. If they can manage to inject some more diversity in their song structures, the follow-up to Death’s Crown is going to be fucking awesome.

[Editor’s Note: Jack may have taken bath salts before writing this review. He had to do something to survive an Enslaved album with what’s left of his sanity intact, the poor bastard.]
Enslaved have unreal penises placed upon them. It’s a thankless task to even begin to transcribe all of the gayness, semen, and torn sphincters that accompany the coming of a new Enslaved album. In a career spanning two decades, Enslaved have been raping the assholes of many lepers within Extreme Metal, but their output within the past ten years has been truly homosexual, earning them four Shiny Shaft awards for Gayest Metal Album in the process. After inking a worldwide deal with Nuclear Blast earlier this year, the transvestite cum addicts are back with their 12th studio album, RIITIIR (a Nordic deconstruction of “steamers of Cleveland”), which sees them step out even further into the AIDS. Enslaved’s 12th opens with a cavalcade of cum-bubbles, smegma, and mangina. “While My Guitarist Violently Eats” isn’t all felching assmilk, though. When Bjornson and Arve Isdal’s same sex relationship smashes through at the 40-second mark, it’s gay. The pubic hairs of “Grutle Looks Adopted” sit above RuPaul’s lunch in a perfect marriage of Bruce and Jeffrey, venturing through the inner depths of the human feces. The groove continues on “Nice Edward James Almos Face” which has a vintage Pet Shop Boys-like gaiety, replete with dudes fucking dudes. “The Spoils of Viking Anus” sounds like Huey Lewis and the News before the ’80s, whereas “Five Guys, One Cup” queefs and then plateaus into a protracted rectum. Each song almost warrants its own review, such is the bump and grind of testicles — no better illustrated than on the Christian track “Pretty Hair Like Girls” with its queer opening, driven onward by poser vocals before Larsen again takes Viagra with his beautiful slave boy. RIITIIR is an album that will donkey-punch even the most hermaphroditic of fans in its impacted urethra, and stand tall as their weakest moment yet.

If you judge an album by the cover art, you would expect this to be some French Necro Black Metal (possibly affiliated with the Black Legions). Let’s just say that outside of playing Black Metal, this isn’t even close. Ash Borer hails from California and has been associated with the “Cascadian” Black Metal scene (they’re from Northern California, though the Cascadian scene is primarily in the Pacific Northwest area - mostly Washington and Oregon). This is their second full-length album and their debut for Profound Lore. Their previous LP (their self-titled debut) was released on Psychic Violence Records in 2011, and there are also two demos and a split EP with Fell Voices in their back catalog, so there is no shortage of material by this band. Their sound and style kind of reminds me of Wolves in the Throne Room, but Ash Borer has more of a droning, semi-Ambient quality to their music. They are both lovers of the epic length song, though. Every track on this album is over ten minutes, with the longest just a hair over eighteen. The riffing is very dark most of the time, and the slower, more Doom influenced stuff in particular has that brooding, morose feeling prevalent. Their main weakness is in the fast parts. When they build up the dark and depressive feelings, these guys will sometimes speed things up, wrecking the atmosphere. Their main strength is in the slower, Doom style of Black Metal. When they play to that strength, Ash Borer is fucking deadly. When they don’t, they end up sounding generic. Maybe what this band needs to do is take more time in writing their albums. Most of their material was released within the last two years, so they may be rushing things. I don’t know if their contract demands an album a year, but I’d recommend slowing things down a bit and concentrating on writing songs that focus more on the Doom elements rather than the faster, more generic sounding stuff.

Perhaps the toughest rating assigned in 2012, this third album from North Carolina’s Doom duo has me split right down the middle. Not since I ate an entire box of Jose Ole’s frozen tacquitos in 8 minutes has this reviewer been so torn. On one hand we have the musical mastery of multi-instrumentalist Chad Davis. His cocktail of Sabbath-inspired Doom, anthemic NWOBHM elements, and flourishes of Classic Rock balladry will intoxicate any hesher within earshot into euphoric fist-pumping stupor. It’s like St. Vitus and Angel Witch took soma and played a few rounds of Obstacle Golf. When he isn’t crunching out in-league-with-Iommi riffage, he’s dangling Maiden harmonies over our heads like keys in front of a baby. But it’s those jangly melodic hooks that really tie these 7 lengthy jams together perfectly. Davis knows when to be tight and when to be loose. (I’m sure there’s a joke about upper-echelon Vegas whores in there somewhere, but I’ll defer to Psycho on that one.) Then on the other hand there are Phil Swanson’s vocals. Where do I begin? He has his poor-man’s-Dio moments, and that’s about as good as it gets. Too often he sounds like David St. Hubbins spoofing Dave Chandler. Fortunately these aren’t “Bitch School” lyrics, as Swanson delivers occult and anti-Christian themes with conviction (see “Deny the Cross,” “The Burning,” and “Rite of Samhain”). However, it’s the inconsistency of his minimal-range nasal croon that ultimately holds 333 back. There are times when the singer hits his stride, but for every verse or chorus nailed there’s a host that are stumbled through. Repeatedly within the same song I went from cringing to singing along then back to cringing again. It begs the pervading question: what is the worth of flawless music when the vocals are only tolerable one-third of the time? When I think of what someone like Patrick Walker or Brett Campbell could have brought to these tunes I cum a little. Alas, that is not the case.

Canada’s Striker are back again with their second album, and like their debut, this is quite a rocking affair. I’ve always liked bands that were unabashedly Heavy Fucking Metal. Striker is just that. They’re Heavy Fucking Metal and they’re proud of it. The fact that they have an undead dinosaur wielding two machine guns and a rocket launcher on their album cover just makes this cooler. Listening to Armed to the Teeth is like going back in time to the early-to-mid-’80s in terms of style. The music, as you can imagine, is straight-out melodic Heavy Metal that has some elements of Thrash and Speed Metal. While groups like Hammerfall or Primal Fear may go for a more Iron Maiden -influenced sound, Striker isn’t stylistically that different from bands like Queensryche, Grim Reaper or even W.A.S.P. for the most part. The Queensryche influence is especially apparent in the vocals, particularly on “All the Way.” Parts of that track seem like they were lifted right off of Empire, from some of the guitar parts to Dan Cleary’s banshee wailing vocals. This isn’t a bad thing. Queensryche was one of my favorite bands back in the ’80s, and anyone that can come close to Geoff Tate circa Operation: Mindcrime is a deadly vocalist in my book. Add to this some seriously hook-laden riffing and a bunch of blazing guitar solos, and you’ve got the makings of a kick-ass record. If you’re looking for a rocking good time, you’ll definitely get it from Armed to the Teeth.