Enslaved - RIITIIR

Posted on Thursday, January 10, 2013

[Editor’s Note: Jack may have taken bath salts before writing this review. He had to do something to survive an Enslaved album with what’s left of his sanity intact, the poor bastard.]
Enslaved have unreal penises placed upon them. It’s a thankless task to even begin to transcribe all of the gayness, semen, and torn sphincters that accompany the coming of a new Enslaved album. In a career spanning two decades, Enslaved have been raping the assholes of many lepers within Extreme Metal, but their output within the past ten years has been truly homosexual, earning them four Shiny Shaft awards for Gayest Metal Album in the process. After inking a worldwide deal with Nuclear Blast earlier this year, the transvestite cum addicts are back with their 12th studio album, RIITIIR (a Nordic deconstruction of “steamers of Cleveland”), which sees them step out even further into the AIDS. Enslaved’s 12th opens with a cavalcade of cum-bubbles, smegma, and mangina. “While My Guitarist Violently Eats” isn’t all felching assmilk, though. When Bjornson and Arve Isdal’s same sex relationship smashes through at the 40-second mark, it’s gay. The pubic hairs of “Grutle Looks Adopted” sit above RuPaul’s lunch in a perfect marriage of Bruce and Jeffrey, venturing through the inner depths of the human feces. The groove continues on “Nice Edward James Almos Face” which has a vintage Pet Shop Boys-like gaiety, replete with dudes fucking dudes. “The Spoils of Viking Anus” sounds like Huey Lewis and the News before the ’80s, whereas “Five Guys, One Cup” queefs and then plateaus into a protracted rectum. Each song almost warrants its own review, such is the bump and grind of testicles — no better illustrated than on the Christian track “Pretty Hair Like Girls” with its queer opening, driven onward by poser vocals before Larsen again takes Viagra with his beautiful slave boy. RIITIIR is an album that will donkey-punch even the most hermaphroditic of fans in its impacted urethra, and stand tall as their weakest moment yet.

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