Was this thing recorded in a truck stop bathroom? Perhaps in the woods or under water? With my stereo on full blast, I can faintly hear a decent Burzum/Hades rip-off, but the sound of the recording, with its varying levels and barely audible vocals, just cripples the attempt.

Atrocious. Absolutely awful. Just the worst kind of Gore-Grind you could ever have to imagine. No skill, finesse or craftsmanship, just poorly recorded chunks of speedy and slow slop with sub par Walker/Steer vocal trade-offs spewed aimlessly about. Tenth rate Carcass. No talent. Pure shit.

Black/Death with Middle Eastern elements. These guys want a piece of that Nile pie. I guess everyone’s going to start doing this now. Sorry, I’ll pass. Innovators only, please. In summary, mukka lukka, derka derka, Mohammed jihad!

Power Metal.

Great opening sample, but that’s about as entertained as I get. Their hearts are in the right place, but they don’t quite have the skill to match. Imagine if Destruction had never practiced, or if Sodom had been from Kansas. Don’t give up, guys. Just improve.

Instantly forgettable, middle-of-the-road Black Metal.

Extremely impressive debut release for the Sinister Sounds label. Eternal blend ferocious brutality with majestic melodic sensibility, and achieve a passionate, epic Death Metal vibe comparable to the likes of Depresy and Garden of Shadows. There is also a slight touch of Black Metal barbarism that will rear its grim face once in a while, and lyrically the band is without a doubt traveling the left hand path. Just a solid release all around, an EP that belongs in any true Extreme Metal freak’s collection. Go right to: “End of the Usurper’s Reign.”

A band named Emptiness should sound, I don’t know… sad? Doomy? Empty-sounding, perhaps? I know it’s members of Enthroned, but come on. At least hit me up with some occasionally bleak. Then again, this is just some 3-track rough mix bullshit. The real product, I am told, features twelve tracks. But I wouldn’t know. It seems fair to me that when you only get 25% of the album, it’s okay to…

Instinct is a cheap, second rate, dollar store, carbon copy rip-off of Sepultura’s Roots album. Nothing more, nothing less. If you need that in your record collection, here it is.

After an intro, “The Curse of Woe” rips through the speakers with full-on Emperor gusto. The vocalist is even a dead ringer for Ishahn. The rest of the album, however, is structurally more in the vein of recent Dimmu Borgir, with more than a few pages taken out of the Power Metal and Thrash playbooks. There’s great use of melody, great use of synths, a flawless production, and a subtle mastery of tempo. Overall, a very enjoyable and competent band, Black Metal at their core, but with much stylistic variety to offer. Not to mention the best band ever with “dragon” in their moniker.

An immense improvement for this Swedish Doom group. Okay, so they might be hearing from the lawyers of My Dying Bride, Theatre of Tragedy, and November’s Doom about a possible copyright infringement suit, but this is still leagues above 2003’s Where Lovers Mourn. The biggest difference is that the female vocals are not as prevalent. Yes, they are still slightly overbearing even in moderation, but most of this album is dominated by Anders Jacobsson’s solid Death growls. I could do without his frequent gay talking, but the lyrics are so downright despondent and tormented I can try to look past it. As I said, there isn’t much here you haven’t heard their aforementioned influences pull off already, but the pain of life demands a healthy selection of hope forsaken, gloomy Doom to choose from, and Draconian have made their first worthwhile addition to mine.

I don’t know what’s more of a surprise, that these guys are actually still around, or that this album is actually pretty awesome. The last I’d heard from this band was on the Death Is Just the Beginning 4 compilation in 1996 and not a peep since. When I put this in, I sure wasn’t expecting something this refreshing. First off, the sound is amazing. Everything is crystal clear and heavy-as-fuck! The music is Death Metal, in essence, albeit in very modernized form. I’m not gonna lie, there are traces of Nu-Metal found, but what makes this absolutely impossible to resist are the ear-shredding vocals of Karsten Jager, whose overwhelmingly tormented lungs immediately unearth memories of Martin Van Drunen (Pestilence/Asphyx). In fact, he sounds downright possessed by the man. The album isn’t quite flawless, occasionally there are some clean vocal mistakes, but as I said, an extremely pleasant surprise offering of crushing extremity. Hatred, sadness, rage, and it’s produced to perfection to boot. Optimal headbanging program: “Sick,” “Floating on High,” “For God,” “Rewind It All,” “Try,” and “To Atone for All.”

I’ve got mixed feelings on this idea. First off, let me say that this does sound great. The re-recorded versions of these songs tower over the originals. The sound and production value of Dimmu in 2005 is in a different league than the Borgir of a decade ago, even if it was only two of the band members working on this project. Still, I worry this will spark a trend. Surely every band has a past that needs cleaning up, so now that it’s been done successfully by a band of this caliber, what’s to stop them? Am I going to have to buy everyone’s album twice? How’s about a discounted price? It’s not my fault you fucked the first one up, is it? And while I’m on it, was the original Stormblast really that terrible? Surely it represents where the band was at the time. Isn’t it a bit Spielbergesque to fuck with past works of art? And why is my god damn promo copy missing the previously unreleased bonus track? That’s pretty gay, dude. The one song I hadn’t already heard isn’t there. Maybe I’m just being a big baby about it. But if I’m right, and it does spark a trend, I have a few suggestions. I’d like to hear Rotting Christ redo Passage to Arcturo [I don’t see how they could improve on it in any capacity! -Editor], Satyricon redo Dark Medieval Times, and Darkthrone redo Goatlord, Transylvanian Hunger, and Panzerfaust. But don’t try to press charges when I steal them all.

Boring Nu-Thrash with awful Old School Hardcore vocals.

I’m telling you straight up, all the hype you’ve either heard or are about to hear about this band is 100% true. Coming off their Galy Records debut and a split release where they flat out embarrassed Bodies in the Gears of the Apparatus, they are ready to dominate with what will be their breakthrough album, guaranteed. It should come as no surprise really, when you consider this band’s ties to Tech-Death masterminds Neuraxis, underrated legends in their own right. Now, it’s not just that they mix pummeling Death Metal brutality with mosh-inducing Hardcore breakdowns, lots of bands do that. It’s that they do it with such jaw-dropping flair. The musicianship is unparalleled, and when the groove hits, it hits fucking hard! Every track is crafted with the utmost proficiency as a monolithic monument to the gods of the pit. Hear me now, if the sound of Suffocation, Internal Bleeding, Pyrexia, and Cryptopsy gets your blood flowing, Canada’s Despised Icon will give you a fucking heart attack.

I really miss Maze of Torment and was psyched to discover this band features Pete Flesh on guitars. Imagine my disappointment in realizing that this is nowhere near the Swedish Black/Death fury of Maze of Torment, but rather a dated, lame Thrash album. Their cited influences had my hopes up as well. Motorhead, Mercyful Fate, Judas Priest, Black Sabbath, Metallica, Venom, fuck yeah! As long as we’re talking Ozzy-era Sabbath and pre-Smell the Glove Metallica, I say bring it on! The thing is, these guys aren’t as memorable as those bands’ filler. With better vocals, it might have worked.

Holy Hell, how long has it been since I saw professionally duplicated a demo tape?! Or a tape of any kind? I had to check three times to make sure that I hadn’t just left this in the “to be reviewed” stacks for like 10 years. But you don’t just get the cassette! This comes with a “business card” sized CDR with mp3s of the entire demo, plus some extra stuff. So, you get the best of both the analog and digital worlds. That’s cool. Also cool is the decidedly old school Death Metal found here. From the first time I saw the band’s logo, I knew that Unleashed must be an influence, in addition to the obvious Dismember. I hear a little Asphyx in there, too. Some assholes I’m sure will say that Deathevokation isn’t a very original band, with their influences so clearly on their sleeves. And that’s true, but who the fuck cares? Embrace the Death! Hopefully a deal and an album will be coming soon, because like a zombie chewing a mouthful of brains, I crave more.

I liked 2000’s Suspiria quite a bit, although it did take several listens before I figured it out, and 2002’s Conflict of Interest EP really kicked my ass, especially the live tracks. And now Darkwell is back with a new singer, which had me a little concerned. I guess that I don’t like this new chick as well as the old one, but she’s not bad. Normally, I’m not a big fan of chick-fronted Gothic Metal, but Darkwell’s earlier releases had such high energy, especially in the drumming, that they were impossible for me to resist. Metatron, however, is somewhat mellower, and that plus the new diva has brought things down for me. This isn’t bad, but it does make me concerned about how lame the next album might be if the trend continues.

Another album of continuous filler from the champions of gay album covers. This time around we have a guy with horns and leopard leotards tied up in a dingy bathroom while a load of cum is shot into his mouth from deep space. Genius! Musically these guys have undergone monumental changes. Not just a Haunted rip-off anymore, they now rip-off newer In Flames as well. Talk about dynamics. The vocals are fucking terrible! Jesus Christ, do they ever fucking suck! Shut this guy up, please. Shoot a load of cum in his mouth from deep space if you have to, but shut him the fuck up.

I always take serious note when I see the Goodfellow Records label, home of the almighty Taken, whose Between Two Unseens EP was the most passionate recording of 2004 I might add. So my hopes were high, unfortunately Cursed play that noisy, unmemorable Math/Core/Grind/Sludge slop that I simply can not enjoy. They remind me a lot of Every Time I Die, quite possibly the worst band ever, and much of what I hear sounds similar to the new Converge, another big disappointment for yours truly. But if I were in Cursed I wouldn’t worry. All the major mags seem to eat this shit up. Look at everyone’s Top 10 for last year: Dillinger, Isis, Old Man Gloom, Converge, Neurosis, etc. Everyone loves loud, shitty noise. Everyone but me.