I’m gonna need to vent a little here, so bear with me. You see, I thought I was getting a surprise new release from the ultra-brutal Maltese Death slammers known as Beheaded. You know… the well-known, well-respected, underground-beloved, kick-ass-to-the-max Beheaded that gave us the ridiculously good Ominous Bloodline album? The Beheaded that you’d have to be a complete poser douchebag not to be aware of? Yeah, that Beheaded. Turns out this is the Venezuelan Beheaded (est. 2012), and the two bands couldn’t be more diametrically opposed. Now, if you’re gonna call your stupid fucking band Beheaded, you’d better fucking bring it on the real Beheaded’s level if not harder. After all, I’ve got room in my heart for two Disgorges, two Hanging Gardens, two Covens, etc. This Beheaded isn’t even as good as the 79 other Beheadeds that came before the true Beheaded. A better name for this Beheaded would’ve been Clown Penis. As if the choice of moniker wasn’t a dead giveaway, there’s a high novice factor on Gates of Suffering. Total cookie-cutter Melodeath-for-beginners. Weak riffs, generic growls, lackluster drumming, exhausted themes, recycled melodies, pathetic solos… Here I was expecting a steak and I got an 18-year old sausage McMuffin that Ronald McDonald and Grimace took turns cumming on. I’m tempted to say the world doesn’t need a 14,346th band that sounds like At the Gates, but I just can’t give these guys the benefit of the doubt that they even know who At the Gates is. There’s probably a few shitty local bands that play the rape festivals near their village that sound like At the Gates, and they’re trying to sound like them. After listening to their laughable cover of “Defensive Personalities” —ahh yes, Spiritual Healing… the go-to album for Death covers— I’m not even 100% sold that they’ve heard Death. My guess is they were going to call themselves Death, and someone was kind enough to send them a link. Again, I could have forgiven the ignorance of these neophytes had this demo been worth a sloth’s piss, but this is just completely worthless, forgettable, lightweight, poorly-recorded slop from a band formed out of boredom that no one who’s been into Death Metal longer than an hour needs to hear. Now if you need me, I’ll be starting a Sludge/Powerviolence/Techno/Bluegrass band called Angelcorpse.

It’s easy to get overwhelmed by the staggering amount of NWOOSSDM bands crawling out of the woodwork these days. What started out as a few groups with Boss HM2 pedals paying a little well-deserved homage to the early ’90s Swedeath greats has turned into a nostalgia epidemic. It’s easy to lose track of all these new old-sounding bands, and it’s difficult not to become disinterested by their sonic sameness. But do not make the mistake of lumping Tormented into this cluster of also-rans. Sure, they’ve only been at it since 2008, with just two full-lengths, an EP, and a split 10-inch under their bulletbelts, but their rich pedigree holds far more clout than the average rehashers. In particular, I’m referring to Swedish scene workhorses Roberth Karlsson (bass) and Andreas “Dread” Axelsson (guitar/vocals). They’ve been involved with a few bands over the last couple decades that maybe you’ve heard of? Edge of Sanity? Marduk? Infestdead? Facebreaker? Any of these ringing a bell? Scar Symmetry? Total Terror? Pan-Thy-Monium? Devian? I could keep going, but I think you catch my drift by now. This is a new wave band with first wave credibility, and you can definitely hear it in the music. The sound they achieve is fantastically authentic to the period, because… well… they were there. Dread’s vocals are especially late-’80s raw, sounding even filthier than they did on Marduk’s legendary Dark Endless. The only thing wrong with Death Awaits is the same hindrance that plagued the band’s 2009 debut: only three great songs. Just as Rotten Death (by now I hope you’ve grasped their primary lyrical theme — eight career songs with “death” or “dead” in the title to this point) gave us “Vengeance from Beyond the Grave,” “Come Back from the Dead,” “Tomb of Corpses,” and not much else, Death Awaits opens with the unholy trinity of the title track, “Blood Orgy,” and “I.O.T.D.” (guess what the “D” stands for) and then rides autopilot the rest of the way. It’s not like the remaining six songs of either album are terrible, just not in the same anthemic league as the aforementioned gems. Tormented’s Nihilistic throwback appeal never wears off, but they don’t attain memorability with enough consistency to maintain “essential” status. Still, when their riffs and vocal patterns are firing on all cylinders, it’s something every self-respecting fan of Swedish Death Metal probably needs to hear.

This is yet another compilation album of all the Old Funeral recordings out there. This might be recommendable if it hadn’t been done four or five times already. Face it, the only reason anybody cares about Old Funeral is because Varg Vikernes (back when he was known by his birth name, Kristian Vikernes) was in this band. Varg, of course, gained fame as Count Grishnackh of Burzum. Other members included Abbath of Immortal and Jorn from Hades Almighty/ex-Immortal, all of whom had short stints in the band. Musically, Old Funeral can best be described as Thrash. It isn’t harsh or brutal enough to be Death Metal (though some might call their music that) and it certainly doesn’t sound like Black Metal. Their later stuff had some Black Metal and more Death Metal elements but they never strayed beyond Thrash most of the time. The musicianship on this compilation is very loose. Old Funeral never got beyond the demo/7-inch EP stage of their career and only existed for four or five years. All of the recordings here are from demo, rehearsal or live tapes except for the Devoured Carcass EP, which was on vinyl. The earliest material, from The Fart That Should Not Be demo (yes, that was really the title…), is very rough and shows the band at their formative stages. You can tell that they were a bunch of guys who liked to fuck around in the studio and played Metal for fun back in those days. The later material, most notably the Abduction of Limbs demo and the Devoured Carcass EP, shows more musical maturity and focus. The playing is still a bit sloppy in places but there was definitely more thought put into the music. The “rare and unreleased” material that would be the main selling point for this compilation is okay. Given that it is mostly rehearsal and live stuff, the sound quality isn’t the best. If you’re a hardcore fan of old Norwegian Black Metal and must have everything, this might have some value. For me, the appeal of Old Funeral ended after the first compilation, The Older Ones, that was released in 1999. Once I heard the main recordings (the Abduction of Limbs demo and Devoured Carcass), everything else was filler as far as I was concerned. If you don’t already have a version of this already, it’s interesting as a historical document more than it is a great musical release. It shows what some of the more notable members of the early Norwegian Black Metal scene were doing prior to becoming famous. For those looking for a lost legendary recording, you’re going to be disappointed.

Evil seed, injected / Demos freed, the calling / Demon Lord, master / Satan Spawn, the stack o’ demos!
Yes, it’s time once again for the dubious task of demo duty. The unenviable chore of trying to find an unsigned act worthy of more than two or three sentences. It’s never easy, but I must admit a band from Finland catches the eye and piques the interest far more than a band from Ballsweat, Arkansas. Especially when their 6-song offering is packaged in a sleek, all-pro digipak versus handwritten CD-R with Post-It note tracklist. That might be unfair, but… welcome to life. In addition to looking good, Predators Among Us is also graced with fantastic, big-league production quality, and the material suggests this quintet may not remain unsigned for long. Intro/track “The Ocean of Perdition” quickly unveils the influence of fellow countrymen Insomnium, as piano and acoustic guitar set the stage in atmospheric fashion. This leads into the best overall track, “They Play Dead.” Distress of Ruin waste no time showing the listener they have all the tools to create convincing and passionate melodic Death Metal. Energetic, Thrashy riffs, soaring melodies, good drumming, and a solid growler. But their ace in the hole might be the inclusion of highly impressive clean vocals. Many Melodeath groups don’t bust out the clean voice until their second or third full-length. These guys are going for it in their infancy stage. The singing here is a good balance — not too Power Metally, not too Radio Rocky. They really take the song next-level. “Deadly Nightshade,” “Bystander Effect,” and “Harbinger of Ravage” don’t stand out quite as much. Decent, well-performed cuts, but significantly lacking the punch and memorability of “They Play Dead.” Filler… it happens. Luckily, “Terminal Alteration” saves the day. Another heavy verse/clean chorus gem that ensures Predators Among Us won’t be slapped with the dreaded “one good song” tag. And hey, two out of six ain’t bad when it comes to demo duty. Especially when those two so powerfully display this fresh meat’s awesomeness capability. (Plus, the other four could potentially grow on me. Let’s not forget one of them is a serviceable introduction.) Ultimately, Distress of Ruin proves to be a pleasant surprise and undoubtedly a band to keep an ear on.

This Los Angeles-based band is one that I’ve actually seen live once but for whatever reason, I didn’t remember much about them. I think the main reason is that they had a Black/Thrash sound that is pretty mundane here in San Francisco. In the home of Bay Area Thrash, having a core sound that is essentially the same as everyone else isn’t exactly something that will make you stand out, even if you’re from out of town. A lot of local bands draw their influences from Slayer, Exodus, Possessed and Metallica, even to this day. Thrash isn’t “different” here. It probably explains why I never bothered with them in the past. With two previous albums and a split-LP with Valdur under their belts, I thought it might be time to check them out. The most interesting bits of Baphometic Chaosium are the atmospheric parts, such as the Ambient interlude, “Cloven Shields.” It has a dark and eerie sound that is very much in the vein of Horror Movie soundtrack music. This track segues into “Chained to Decay,” which is slower and heavier on the atmosphere. “Epicyclarium” is another cut that has interesting atmospheric elements. It’s the straight-forward Black/Thrash tracks that are the most generic and uninteresting parts of Baphometic Chaosium. When these guys ditch the atmospheric stuff for the basic guitar-based brutal Thrash attack, they lose a lot of what distinguishes them from other generic Death/Thrash bands. Songs like “Oaken Chrysalis” (I consider the last two minutes of that track to be an outro and unrelated to the rest of the song) and “R’Lyeh Wuurm” are just okay sounding and have little about them that sticks out. This LP is a 50-50 split between songs that are really good and ones that are just “blah.” When Lightning Swords of Death are on their game, they fucking kick ass. When they go the safe route with basic song structures, they lose a lot of their identity. One thing I have to mention, though, is that the sound on this LP is amazing. The fact that you can hear the bass guitar and that each instrument is clearly discernible puts Baphometic Chaosium near the top of the heap when it comes to good production. The studio engineer really knew what he was doing when this album was produced. If Lightning Swords of Death can meld the darker atmospheric stuff in with their Black/Thrash style a bit more, we could be looking at an epic next album. Baphometic Chaosium is good, but there are still tracks that are lacking in identity.

German Metalcore masters Heaven Shall Burn hit somewhat of a creative wall with their Iconoclast trilogy. The two albums it produced (2008’s Iconoclast and 2010’s Invictus; part 2 being a live CD/DVD affair) certainly aren’t bad records —I don’t think these guys could make a bad record if they tried— but hindsight exposes them as being significantly less memorable than Heaven Shall Burn circa 1998-2006. That’s to be expected. When you begin your career with four full-lengths that range from nearly flawless to perfect, it’s damn near impossible to sustain that level of awesomeness. However, you can’t just keep releasing the same solid-but-forgettable album every two years, either. I think with Veto, the group has unequivocally addressed the need for change, albeit with mixed results. It should be noted that they took an extra year in between full-lengths for the first time ever. That’s it, boys. Let us miss you a little. (How many artists in this day and age would do well to take that advice, eh?) And while it’s really more of a spice-up than an actual stylistic change, Veto succeeds at separating itself from the rest of the discography with its own distinct feel. As I said, this is still a Heaven Shall Burn LP through and through, yet there are unique subtleties. For instance, I bet you never thought you’d hear these Teutonic titans of the pit start things off with Guns n’ Roses’ “Don’t Cry” arpeggio on loan (“Godiva”). I definitely never thought I’d hear them cover Blind Guardian (“Valhalla”) replete with guest vocals from Hansi Kursch himself, no less! Some electro-ambiance (“Die Sturme Rufen Dich”) isn’t much of a stretch for these Melodeath dabblers, and I undoubtedly could’ve lived without the cringe-inducing, female-fronted bonus track (a cover of Killing Joke’s “European Super State”), but Veto’s finest moments are when the quintet simply revisit their melancholy-through-aggression roots (“Fallen,” “Hunters Will Be Hunted,” “53 Nations,” and “Beyond Redemption”). Few bands convey sadness via rage and desperation via strength so convincingly. Of course, with all these cuts standing out one way or the other, there’s bound to be some filler (“You Will Be Godless,” “Antagonized,” and “Like Gods Among Mortals” all slightly miss the mark), but overall, I believe the goal was an album that could, above all else, fare better against the test of time. Mission accomplished. I sense a return to absolute perfection is not far away.

In between Jon Konrath books, I like to read Metal magazines while I’m shitting. I realize they’re a complete waste of money and almost exclusively the opinion of happy faggots, but I don’t have the internet because the internet is fucking gay. I mostly buy them for the ads, but occasionally there’s some stellar photography, maybe a free covermount CD with 2 good bands out of 16 if you’re lucky. Plus I need to make sure I don’t buy anything Kevin Stewart-Panko likes, and conversely seek out what he vehemently bashes, as that’s generally music a non-virgin would enjoy. This year, just about every publication I’ve come across has made a unanimous sperm ocean over Nails’ Abandon All Life EP. If you think I’m at all exaggerating, just check this shit out:

• “A testament to the pervasive progression of extreme music… Southern Lord has just claimed the throne as my favorite label, and this is my Album Of The Year: ESSENTIAL.” -Zero Tolerance (5.5/6)

• “OMFG… You’ll feel like never listening to any other music again.” -Terrorizer (9/10)

• “It kills, eats and pisses on the remains of all other contenders.” -Metal Hammer (9/10)

• “Incapable of being fucked with… Nails are literally in their own league.” -Decibel (9/10)

You guys ready for this? You ready to get that Clark Kent/Peter Parker scoop, motherfucker? You primed and prepped to get the skinny on the deal of the century? Are you livin’ la vida loca for the ear on the street, maricon? Do Enquiring minds really wanna know about the greatest recorded material in the history of dudes not pulling out? Are you pumped?! You psyched?! You ready to see what Howie Mandel’s got in this fucking case, baby girl? You tired of mud butt? Metal Curse is gonna show you how to make a butt-wedge. Are you ready? I said, are you fucking ready, bitch?!? Daddy’s got Dorothy, the Tin Man, Scarecrow, that bitch lion and motherfucking Toto right here with him to lift the curtain, mama bear. So… without further ado… Drum roll, please…

Nasum clone.

For me, Stratovarius is like comfort food. It isn’t the best stuff on the planet, but there is a consistency and a familiarity about it that can’t be beat. When you want good Power Metal, you need not look any further than Stratovarius. Even at their worst, they still run circles around most lesser bands. The problem with Stratovarius isn’t that they don’t know what they’re doing or that they’re not good at it. These guys have the formula down to a science, much like the other top bands in the genre. The thing about Stratovarius is that you know what you’re going to get from them before you get it from them. Blazing guitar solos? Check. Soaring vocals? Check. Epic keyboard swaths full of atmosphere and bombast? Check. Are the songs well played? Like only Stratovarius can. Do the songs kick ass? You better believe it. Their last album had all that too. And so did the one before that. Nemesis is the latest in a long line of solid, well-played and ass-kicking Power Metal albums. Perhaps what makes me think this band is in a rut is the fact that all of their albums have been consistently good but they have that “sameness” about them. They’re predictable to the point where you don’t have to listen to the album to know where they’re going with it. If you do listen to the album, though, you will bang your head to the songs. They have that effect on you, regardless of whether you’re a new listener or a longtime fan. If you like Power Metal in general, you probably don’t need me to tell you that Nemesis kicks ass. You likely already own it. If you’re only a casual listener (as I am), this continues a long legacy of solid, rocking Stratovarius albums. It doesn’t break any new ground, but it isn’t a disappointment by any means.

Reviewing reissues can be a tedious exercise for the modern day scribe faced with what seems like 20 new albums a week, but the task at hand here is an essential one for yours truly. As embarrassing as it is to admit, I’ve never heard Godflesh’s 2001 swansong until now. I realize that’s pretty pathetic, but in my defense, I’m more of an ‘88 - ‘92 Godflesh guy, and hindsight reveals I simply lost touch sometime after 1996’s so-so Songs of Love and Hate. However, as a hopeless Jesu addict 8 years strong, I’m kicking myself in the teeth right now for passing on Hymns all these years. First off, I’ve been pronouncing Jesu incorrectly this whole time. Turns out it’s “hay-sue,” not “jay-sue,” as the closer of this album clearly indicates. Duh! More importantly, I’ve been missing out on the very origins of Jesu. Hymns was unmistakably a transitive stage in the life and songwriting of Justin Broadrick. Of course, I’m not referring to the lumbering Industrial sludgefests that comprise the majority of Hymns. Which isn’t to say tracks like “Defeated,” “Paralyzed,” and “Voidhead” are bad by any stretch —JKB and future Jesu drummer Ted Parsons (ex-Prong, ex-Swans) really began to gel here, breathing a human air into these mechanical compositions— but Broadrick’s constipated-lumberjack vocals are in particularly grating form compared to past efforts. Alas, it’s beautiful gems like “Anthem,” “White Flag,” “Regal,” and the hidden bonus track that I’ve deprived myself of. The same brooding, sorrowful, clean-vocal hypnosis that would eventually embody the Jesu formula. It’s like finding an unopened present someone gave you 12 years ago that turns out to be something you want just as much now. It’s no coincidence that the robotic “Jesu” is easily the best of the heavier cuts. The man knew he was moving on to an arguably better place. This reissue’s bonus disc of 2012 demo remasters —featuring an unreleased song from the Hymns sessions (“If I Could Only Be What You Want”)— is, quite frankly, take it or leave it. It’s the main course, imperfections included, that’s essential here.