I’m gonna need to vent a little here, so bear with me. You see, I thought I was getting a surprise new release from the ultra-brutal Maltese Death slammers known as Beheaded. You know… the well-known, well-respected, underground-beloved, kick-ass-to-the-max Beheaded that gave us the ridiculously good Ominous Bloodline album? The Beheaded that you’d have to be a complete poser douchebag not to be aware of? Yeah, that Beheaded. Turns out this is the Venezuelan Beheaded (est. 2012), and the two bands couldn’t be more diametrically opposed. Now, if you’re gonna call your stupid fucking band Beheaded, you’d better fucking bring it on the real Beheaded’s level if not harder. After all, I’ve got room in my heart for two Disgorges, two Hanging Gardens, two Covens, etc. This Beheaded isn’t even as good as the 79 other Beheadeds that came before the true Beheaded. A better name for this Beheaded would’ve been Clown Penis. As if the choice of moniker wasn’t a dead giveaway, there’s a high novice factor on Gates of Suffering. Total cookie-cutter Melodeath-for-beginners. Weak riffs, generic growls, lackluster drumming, exhausted themes, recycled melodies, pathetic solos… Here I was expecting a steak and I got an 18-year old sausage McMuffin that Ronald McDonald and Grimace took turns cumming on. I’m tempted to say the world doesn’t need a 14,346th band that sounds like At the Gates, but I just can’t give these guys the benefit of the doubt that they even know who At the Gates is. There’s probably a few shitty local bands that play the rape festivals near their village that sound like At the Gates, and they’re trying to sound like them. After listening to their laughable cover of “Defensive Personalities” —ahh yes, Spiritual Healing… the go-to album for Death covers— I’m not even 100% sold that they’ve heard Death. My guess is they were going to call themselves Death, and someone was kind enough to send them a link. Again, I could have forgiven the ignorance of these neophytes had this demo been worth a sloth’s piss, but this is just completely worthless, forgettable, lightweight, poorly-recorded slop from a band formed out of boredom that no one who’s been into Death Metal longer than an hour needs to hear. Now if you need me, I’ll be starting a Sludge/Powerviolence/Techno/Bluegrass band called Angelcorpse.
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