Nails - Abandon All Life
In between Jon Konrath books, I like to read Metal magazines while I’m shitting. I realize they’re a complete waste of money and almost exclusively the opinion of happy faggots, but I don’t have the internet because the internet is fucking gay. I mostly buy them for the ads, but occasionally there’s some stellar photography, maybe a free covermount CD with 2 good bands out of 16 if you’re lucky. Plus I need to make sure I don’t buy anything Kevin Stewart-Panko likes, and conversely seek out what he vehemently bashes, as that’s generally music a non-virgin would enjoy. This year, just about every publication I’ve come across has made a unanimous sperm ocean over Nails’ Abandon All Life EP. If you think I’m at all exaggerating, just check this shit out:
“A testament to the pervasive progression of extreme music… Southern Lord has just claimed the throne as my favorite label, and this is my Album Of The Year: ESSENTIAL.” -Zero Tolerance (5.5/6)
“OMFG… You’ll feel like never listening to any other music again.” -Terrorizer (9/10)
“It kills, eats and pisses on the remains of all other contenders.” -Metal Hammer (9/10)
“Incapable of being fucked with… Nails are literally in their own league.” -Decibel (9/10)
You guys ready for this? You ready to get that Clark Kent/Peter Parker scoop, motherfucker? You primed and prepped to get the skinny on the deal of the century? Are you livin’ la vida loca for the ear on the street, maricon? Do Enquiring minds really wanna know about the greatest recorded material in the history of dudes not pulling out? Are you pumped?! You psyched?! You ready to see what Howie Mandel’s got in this fucking case, baby girl? You tired of mud butt? Metal Curse is gonna show you how to make a butt-wedge. Are you ready? I said, are you fucking ready, bitch?!? Daddy’s got Dorothy, the Tin Man, Scarecrow, that bitch lion and motherfucking Toto right here with him to lift the curtain, mama bear. So… without further ado… Drum roll, please…
Nasum clone.
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