Basic, boring Black Metal with awful vocals. No focus or character whatsoever, just mindlessly screaming into the mic. My cat snores with more zeal.

Slightly underproduced, fast Death Metal from Mississippi that bores to fucking tears. Dude, it’s called a vocal pattern. Listen to Cannibal Corpse’s The Bleeding or anything by Deicide and notice how the vocals are structured to or around the riffs. Yes, riffs, the heart of the Death Metal anatomy, the engine of the Death Metal vehicle. Come up with better riffs and then pattern the vocals to or around them. It will work. People will actually remember how the songs go, I promise. And while I’ve turned this review into an instruction manual, could Death Metal bands please stop dedicating their albums to Douchebag Darrell? Douchebag Darrell gave less than a shit about Death Metal because there is no money in that genre. How about Chuck Schuldiner or Mieszko Talarczyk, the recent actual tragedies. The saddest thing about Abbott’s death is the wasted bullet.

Without question, the biggest disappointment of 2005. I’m sorry, but I was highly anticipating this long overdue follow up to the classic At the Mountains of Madness, it had only been eight fucking years! At the Mountains… was a ferocious beast of dynamics, heaviness, and sheer demonic power. This album is nothing, absolutely nothing. An exercise in excruciatingly painful boredom brought on by the relentless monotony of nonstop, unmemorable brutality. Yes, it’s brutal, the intensity never lets up for a split second, and yes, the lyrics still delve deeper into the pits of Hell than most bands could dream to go. Nevertheless, the end result is forgettable, so god damn forgettable. I gave this album every possible chance to grow on me, most times I ended up dozing off by track three. Maybe they can return to glory with their next album, that is if I haven’t died of old age by the time it comes out.

Here is a band trying to eat off the moment. If it’s popular right now, you name it, Bleed the Sky kind of sounds like them. Lamb of God, Meshuggah, The Haunted, Killswitch Engage, Shadows Fall, Arch Enemy, Chimaira, it’s all amalgamated here. Which ought to tell you all you need to know about their talent level. They can pull it off. The production is top notch, I’m not surprised. This band will most likely succeed. What they may lack in heart, they make up for with brains. My only real complaint is the vocals. The higher pitch screams and the clean vocals are just kind of faggy. That’s okay, people like faggy.

Jesus tittyfucking Christ, it’s Oi gone Glam with fucking Joe Cocker on the mic! Like something out of a twisted, dive bar nightmare, you know you’re in for a treat when an album’s only saving grace is the occasional gang vocal. This band’s overly simplistic, stupid-on-purpose approach ensures that they are indeed as gay as they look. Which is pretty fucking gay.

I’ve been a big fan of Jello’s former band, Dead Kennedys, for about as long as I can remember, and followed his career through his various musical team-ups and spoken word albums. I’ve found the Melvins to be sort of hit and miss over the years (amazing the one time I saw them live, though!), but still hoped for great things from 2004’s first collaboration with Jello, Never Breathe What You Can’t See. I was not disappointed. I like this new release quite a bit, too, but it is strange. Sieg Howdy! features remixes of several tracks from Never Breathe… (“The Lighter Side of Global Terrorism,” “Dawn of the Locusts,” “Enchanted Thoughtfist,” and “Caped Crusader”), an Alice Cooper cover (“Halo of Flies”), an updated live version of the Kennedys’ classic “California Uber Alles,” retitled “Kali-fornia Uber Alles 21st Century,” and only four new songs. Be warned: the printed track list is wrong. Hopefully that will be fixed on subsequent pressings. The remixes aren’t really as strange as might be imagined, which makes me wonder why they bothered to include them. The new songs are great, and I’d have liked to hear more of them. But in any case the music is generally not far from the Melvins’ faster-yet-still-sludgy best moments, and Jello’s singing has changed little, so everything is at worst pretty cool and at best fairly awesome. And the lyrics are, as expected, interesting, even thought provoking (“Wholly Buy Bull” -seeing is no longer believing), reading. If JB and the boys are at a loss for new material, which sort of seems to be the case here (with the remixes, and so on…), then may I suggest a live album next time? These songs seem to almost demand being heard live anyway. I know that I’d certainly love to see that show.

Much like Behemoth, 2005 sees these Black/Death speedsters make a major upgrade, turning from nothing but aimless snare punishment into a fine-tuned, well-oiled Death Metal machine. For some reason Nile seem to be the current reference point for substandard Black/Death bands looking to morph into juggernauts, as right from the opener, “The Cruzifixus-Anus Dei,” with its virtuoso Death Metal drumming and twisted Egyptian-style melodies, the influence is felt. The power emanating from this LP also echoes the more recent offerings from Decapitated and Morbid Angel, and I was not expecting “Sepulture of Hypocrisy” or “Kings Shall Be Kings,” which have to be these 13-year Austrian vets’ first forays into Doom territory. If you’re not familiar with Belphegor, fuck all their previous releases, this is the place to start. If you’re already a fan, congratulations on finally having some actual substance to cheer about.

These recordings were my first impression of Behemoth way back in the day [This was originally released in 1994. -Editor], and pretty much the reason I haven’t considered myself a big fan until their more recent brutality explosion. Listening in retrospect, I find myself not quite as critical, but the fact is that this material was and is substandard, run-of-the-mill Black Metal-by-the-numbers. Factor in that this was getting released at the same time when bands like Rotting Christ, Dissection, Immortal, Darkthrone, Marduk, and even Burzum were steady putting out masterpieces, and it really pales in comparison. This reissue includes the Bewitching the Pomerania demo, which is slightly better, but ain’t no fucking Demigod. Props to Metal Mind for making this available again, but let me know when Apostasy hits the shelves instead.

God damn! These guys sure turned a 180. They’ve always had talent, they’ve always played extremely fast, but the last time I heard Behemoth they sounded like a second rate post-Euronymous Mayhem. They now play super technical, ultra-brutal Death Metal in the vein of Morbid Angel, Decapitated, and Nile! Speaking of Nile, Karl Sanders makes a guest appearance on the track, “XUL.” The only thing Black Metal about these guys now is their image. What I’m hearing is pure Nile Jr. and I’m digging the shit out of it. Hottest cuts: “Conquer All” and “Reign of Shemsu-Hor.”