Clocked in at a dreadful 71 minutes [Mercifully, we only received the first of the three discs apparently in the actual retail version, so only Satan knows how long the torture really lasts. -Editor], this pompous display of Power Metal in Broadway play form is excruciatingly painful enough to make even the most open-minded of music buffs gas him or herself in the garage. Metal and Opera should never be fused together, much like coconut and the human tongue. Recommended only for those who enjoy bourgeois garbage like the Trans-Siberian Orchestra, and/or the act of felching.

Listening to this new Agent Steel, one has to ponder the ultimate, essential question. When the members of this band fart, does it smell like burnt Stay-Hard?

To me, Norway’s Aeternus has always been a Death Metal band trapped in a Black Metal band’s body. Not that that’s a bad thing, as this identity crisis has provided us with a lethal combination of frost and fury over the last eleven years. But with the appropriately titled A Darker Monument, the real Aeternus may have ultimately been emancipated. Maybe it’s just because the chick is gone, but the Death Metal soul of the group reigns supreme throughout these nine tracks. The vibe it gives begs for comparisons to the mighty Vital Remains. Complex song arrangements, wicked riffs, stellar drumming, Ares’ patented bestial growl, and the overall feeling of tonal morbidity ensures that these guys can bring it with anybody. You can’t really go wrong with any Aeternus release, but A Darker Monument is without question the heaviest shit they’ve ever done.

This Black/Death Metal band has been around since the early days of the Florida Death Metal scene, churning out their particular brand of audio blasphemy for well over a decade now. This latest album is kind of a return to their older sound in that the overpowering keyboards and synthesizer-generated atmospheric bits that began dominating their sound since Anti-god, Anti-christ have all but disappeared. The Death Metal element has once again come to the forefront and it’s good to know that Acheron can still cave in your skull like they did on albums like Rites of the Black Mass and Lex Talionis. Even without the keyboards, Acheron can still generate an atmosphere of darkness and lurking evil. The slower, heavier bits really seem to capture that quality in their music. The faster stuff is brutal, memorable and gets your head banging like good Death Fucking Metal is supposed to. That being said, there are still a few shortcomings to this album. The first is the intro to “Golgotha’s Truth,” which is essentially some guy reading in a monotone voice - and yes, it’s painfully obvious that he’s reading off of a sheet of paper. This just sounded hokey and while “Golgotha’s Truth” is arguably the best track on this album, the intro really doesn’t do it any justice. The next thing I thought was a bit annoying was the track “The 9th Gate,” which is essentially one long track of a strange droning noise that I’m guessing is supposed to be meditative or something. Either my Satanic Antennae (the one by which I receive messages from our Lord and Master SATAN!!!) needs a little tuning or I’m just not getting it. Overall, Rebirth… is a good album marred by a few shortcomings that are relatively minor in the grand scheme of things.

What else could this be, other than nearly flawless Black / Death Metal? By this point in time, a review of any new Acheron album really only needs to consist of “there is a new Acheron album.” I am, however, a little unclear about the last track, “The 9th Gate,” which is little more than a continuos tone lasting for exactly nine minutes. Uhh, yeah… Other than that, which I’m sure is some super evil invocation of the dark powers of Satanic Vagina Moistening or something equally weird/goofy/cool, this disc is hard to beat.

This is a compilation of all (or damn nearly all) of the cover songs this band has done, plus a re-recorded (although still a few years old) version of their own “Ave Satanas.” The covers were all recorded at different times, and so the band line-up and sound quality can vary from track to track, but not enough to be a problem or even really very noticeable. It’s pretty cool to hear the Acheron-ized versions of some of these songs, such as the Death classic “Evil Dead,” and Motorhead’s “(Don’t Need) Religion,” but most of these tracks are available elsewhere. So for those fans already in possession of all the Dwell records tribute CDs, I’m not sure how valuable it will be to have the Acheron cuts all on one disc, even though you do get the aforementioned “Ave Satanas,” which makes its CD debut here (having been a Euro-vinyl-only bonus track prior to this) and interesting liner notes on all the songs.

As much as I abhor Nu-Metal, I can’t help but feel sorry for the genre. I’ve seen a lot of annoying trends come and go, but I’ve never seen one die so quickly, without putting up the least bit of a fight. Well, in fairness to 40 Below Summer, they aren’t 100% Nu-Metal. No, they’re much more of a desperate, corporate cock-sucking attempt at Nickelback stardom. Occasionally they reach depths of heaviness alike Papa Roach or Drowning Pool, unfortunately those are the two gayest bands on Earth. At their absolute best, these guys are a bastardized, watered-down version of old Alice in Chains.

When I saw that Frost (of Satyricon fame) was the drummer for this band, I knew right away that this wasn’t going to be one of those heavy-on-the-atmosphere Doom influenced kind of albums. Frost generally has one speed: fast. Actually, I take that back. He has two speeds: fast and super fast. Aside from a few moments, Liberation blasts away at speeds that you would think only a drum machine could sustain for any length of time. Honestly, this shit makes old Immortal (Pure Holocaust era or so) look slow. The Mayhem cover they do is probably done at double the speed of the original. If you like that “faster than the speed of light” style Black Metal, this is definitely something that you’ll want to look up because 1349 may, in fact, be the fastest fucking band on the planet at this point.

One of Sweden’s old-school returns after a lengthy period of silence… was the wait worth it? As far as I’m concerned, yes. Unleashed has a unique sound in the Death Metal scene these days. Johnny Hedlund is one of the few vocalists that is instantly recognizable with his almost Hardcore-like delivery and sometimes blackened tongue-in-cheek lyrics. Face it, he’s not winning any friends inside the Catholic church with songs like “Mrs. Minister.” Musically, Unleashed is still fully capable of delivering the old-school goods - which they do. These songs aren’t over-the-top brutality oriented. This band doesn’t go for that sound. This is fucking headbanging music. I don’t give a fuck who you are, you’re gonna be banging your head and singing along with these songs because they’re that catchy and that easy to follow. They’re not heavy as fuck, they’re not brutal as fuck, but they’re gonna give you whiplash. That’s not a bad thing. It’s a good thing.

This double CD release of Necromantia is not new. It is an economy priced re-release of their debut and sophomore albums (Crossing the Fiery Path and Scarlet Evil Witching Black). Older Black Metal fans will already have these two albums, but being that they have been out of print (or at least hard to find) for a while, Osmose has decided that it was time that these two gems saw the light of day once again. If you don’t have them, Cults of the Shadow is a great way to find out how this band sounded back in the early to mid ‘90s. If you are like me, however, buying this is really a waste of cash as I already own the originals and nothing new has been added to make me want to buy them again. I would have liked to see this bundled with some new stuff as I really like Necromantia a lot and wouldn’t have had a problem shelling out some extra cash to hear a few unreleased tracks or even live or rehearsal material. The score on this would have been higher but seeing as Osmose didn’t put anything new on here, I can’t bring myself to rate it higher.

Black Metal
1981-2002
England - Black Metal, 21, a once cherished and great genre, was brutally murdered over the course of the last five years by at least 250-300 suspects including California’s Ludicra who were marketed as Black Metal yet sounded more like what Death would, had they not known how to play their instruments. Like many of their accomplices, Ludicra tried to sound weird for the sake of sounding weird and were as uninteresting as humanly possible. Survivors include parents, Venom and early Bathory, and three sons, Darkthrone, Immortal, and Cradle of Filth. Black Metal will be sorely missed as it was too young to die. R.I.P.

Well, I don’t know if this CD has the coolest cover art I’ve ever seen, but it’s got to be close. And that sick lesbian blood orgy is nothing compared to the monstrous Death Gore musically vomited forth herein. Leave it to Razorback to exhume an undead demon like this. I should probably give this disc a ten, since I can’t imagine how anyone could improve upon it (and it’s even got their Impetigo cover from the Wizards of Gore tribute CD), but I want to leave Lord Gore some place to go with their next monsterpiece. If you like real Metal, you will cum blood when you hear The Autophagous Orgy - I fucking guarantee it.

Usually I’m not one to condemn a band for a lack of progression - if it ain’t broke, don’t fix it. Nevertheless, the differences between the two new tracks from this 5-song EP and 1998’s Diabolical are shockingly nonexistent. You’d think they’d attempt something to separate themselves from the dozens of Swedish Black Metal acts that copy this blend of Marduk-caliber speed and Dissection-like melody to a painful death. They do cover Massacre’s “Dawn of Eternity,” and throw in a couple majestic epics from the When Autumn Storms Come 7-inch. Whether or not that’s worth the better percentage of your 20-spot is up to you.

The East Bay’s sickest freaks are back and after losing Leon (De La Muerte, their former vocalist/guitarist, now in Murder Construct), they prove that they’ve still got it. If you love your Death Fucking Metal in the Swedish style a-la Dismember, Impaled delivers the goods like you haven’t heard in almost a decade. If I didn’t know better, I’d say they were from Stockholm when it comes to their guitar sound and their playing style. The guitar tone and production are very reminiscent of the old Sunlight Studios sound that so many bands used to have back in the early ’90s. The playing on Mondo Medicale is tight and the songs are a little bit more melodic than The Dead Shall Dead Remain, but at the same time they are no less corrosive. The band also utilizes the guttural vocals of Ross Sewage (who also did vocals for Exhumed back in the day) and newcomer Andrew LaBarre to great effect, adding a lot of lower end to compliment Sean “Bloodbath” McGrath’s raspy growls. The resulting medical atrocity is truly a work of grotesque art that will keep you floating in your own fecal matter for months. Oh yeah, the cover art is also banned in 84 countries. Again.

More sickness and horror from the band I’m beginning to think just might be the new US masters of the Goregrind genre. The precision and intensity of the music is only matched by that of the laser-sharp production and of course the demonic vocal growls and rasps. I’m reminded of Necroticism-era Carcass in a lot of ways, and I’m not sure I could think of a bigger compliment than that. This may yet be another time I’ll look back and hate myself for not giving something a ten…

Also known as The Second Degree of Torture, this lost classic (recorded in 1994-‘96), starting with a sample from the infamous movie Bloodsucking Freaks, is perhaps the best thing Robert Deathrage (who, of course is the Meat Shits) has released so far, thanks to his band for this recording, Infester. But it’s not just musically that this is superior. The samples are more integrated into the music, the production is just raw enough to be powerful, and even the vocals are the best I’ve heard from the #1 fag-killer. Will these Moribund reissues be it for the Meat Shits, or will we ever hear a new album?

Another “lost” Meat Shits album is finally reissued! Recorded in 1992-93, between Fuck Frenzy and Ecstasy of Death, this slab of porn Grind sees the Shits coming up with somewhat longer songs, but isn’t as super-heavy as Fuck Frenzy, and more similar to the band’s early work. As with the other MS reissues, it’s great to see this finally available on CD, and the packaging is suitably depraved, too - even featuring the cover art from a couple of 7-inches. But no song titles, which is a shame, since they’re always entertaining.

At long last Moribund has reissued this album (with six bonus tracks), originally released on Wild Rags in 1992. For those unfamiliar with the Shits, they play a raw form of anti-PC porno Grind, that earlier in the band’s career bordered on Noise. This disc starts out slower, heavier, and much more musically oriented than before. At least for most of what was originally the A-side (“Side Fuck”) of the original cassette version. But even the shorter stuff, more in the vein of early Meat Shits, still retains the newly enhanced heaviness. And then we have the omnipresent samples, which range from funny/cool porn noises and dialogue, to a few horror movie soundbites. The bonus tracks are a nice addition, as well. I’m glad that this finally got released on CD!

What can I say about the Meat Shits? They’re rude, raunchy, sexist, hate-filled, anti-homosexual, demented misogynists, but most importantly, they’re funny! They’re funny and they piss off the politically correct. This album (which is really the Vicious Act of Machismo, Tenebrae, and She Was Asking for It recordings compiled) is like all their albums, 20-30+ songs, about 1,000 samples, delightfully deranged artwork and layout, growled vocals spewing obscenities, fast to mid-paced Grind, and even some keyboard meandering. All in all, one of the coolest “must be 21” novelty listens you’ll find out there.

California’s Brown Metal band, the Meat Shits, have improved drastically since 1993’s 44 track embarrassment, Ecstasy of Death. The songs are longer. The riffs (yes, there are actual riffs) are heavier, as well as the vocals. The multitude of samples are of course still evident, and always a nice touch in my book (or in Ray’s). Catatonic Existence play a style similar to the Meat Shits, except it is much slower, the riffs are barely as heavy, and the vocals are truly pathetic. They obviously are also a band who digs samples because they eat up more than half their material. However, the samples are the coolest aspect of their music.