Not much has changed since the last time I heard Entwine. They still sound like the Gothic Alice in Chains, and I still don’t give a rat’s ass.

Much like genital herpes, Enthroned simply will not go away. It seems like these Belgian Black Metallers put a new album out every month. Well, before it sounds like I’m coming down on them too hard, I probably ought to tell you that this is by far their best album since 1997’s Toward the Skullthrone of Satan. It completely shatters the third-rate-version-of-Immortal mold they were casting for themselves by releasing a string of uninteresting, monotonous albums. Sabathan’s trollish Black Metal squeal has never sounded so venomous, this is the best production they’ve ever achieved, and standout tracks like “Crimson Legions” (complete with intro from Aleister Crowley), “Daemon’s Claw,” and “Night Stalker” may be the greatest songs they’ve ever written. There’s still a noteworthy amount of fast filler, but without question Xes Haereticum is a big step in the right direction for the band. Now, if they can just keep it up. We’ll probably have to wait until at least June to find out.

I’m not sure if these guys have undergone serious lineup changes, but this is hardly the same Engorged. Their patented style of Powerviolence, Death Metal, and Grindcore has been disturbingly shaken up. This is more of a fast, heavy, Old School Thrash that I see as a huge step down from the unique blend of extremity they had trademarked for themselves. They have not completely abandoned Death and Grind, but the overall result is sadly sterile, as the most intense moments here could not get half the adrenaline flowing that even the filler on Death Metal Attack 2 or their self-titled album on Necropolis/Deathvomit could. Tracks like “Werewolf Militia” even have a Death n’ Roll feel that quite frankly does not work. The vocal style is also radically different. The crazed, varied Spazz-like vocal insanity is gone, and in its place is a Death snarl, that while decent, like so much of this album, it just isn’t Engorged. Luckily there are still the gang vocals, albeit they do seem to have less bite. The most brutal vocal moment on this album by far belongs to Lord Gore’s Gurge on “Chaingang,” which also features Rob Fornicator. The lyrics here are just plain goofy. Not that these G.I. Joe-obsessed freaks have ever had the most serious subject matter, but giant squids and pirate ships? What is this, 1850? An extreme letdown from a band whose deranged originality had really set them apart.

Cheap, embarrassingly produced, middle-of-the-road Black Metal from Norway. Traces of Old School German Thrash are also evident, but that’s not enough to save this 3-song demo/CD from mediocrity. As much as I worship at the altar of Darkthrone, whenever something comes highly recommended from them it tends to be a disappointment. First Impiety, now this. It makes me a tad hesitant to try anything from their newly formed Tyrant Syndicate label (where it wouldn’t surprise me to see Endsum end up). Sad and strange how a demo from an up-and-coming Norwegian Black Metal band does not command the same amount of interest or attention as it would have 10-12 years ago.

Do me a favor, if you’re going to call your band Emptiness, could you please make the music depressing? You see, my life is uneventful and meaningless, so I’m often in the mood for something despondent. Rarely am I in the mood for easily forgettable experimental Grind that sounds like Benumb on cheaper crack. However, if that’s your bag, here it is.

Before I get to the music, I’d like to point out that a track listing somewhere in the layout is generally a good idea. Speaking of ideas, Eminence have borrowed a few from the likes of mid-era Napalm Death, Gorefest, and Sepultura (which shouldn’t come as a surprise considering this band features ex-Sepultura guitarist and founding member, Jairo Guedz on bass). While not quite in the same league, this is still impressive with its great production, heavy guitar sound, and gruff but understandable Cavalera-style snarl. While far from groundbreaking and occasionally dull, it is for the most part well-executed and often enjoyable to listen to.

With a name like Elite, you’ve got to be good or else people are going to give you shit about it. To tell you the truth, Elite might be good at playing their instruments, but they’re not very original. This is a band that is clearly drinking the well-waters of Transilvanian Hunger to the point where outside of the missing tape hiss, this could have easily been Darkthrone back in that time period. According to the inlay, this was recorded live in the studio, and it really has that “live” feel to it. There are parts of this album that make it almost sound like a very high quality rehearsal tape burned onto CD. The rawness helps, as does the fact that they actually left some of the bass in their guitars. Kampen is a fairly straight-forward album, no frills, no twists, just Black Fucking Metal. If your Transilvanian Hunger hasn’t been satisfied and you’re desperate for more of the same, Elite will probably satisfy your basic cravings. Rehashing Darkthrone might make you “cult” but if you want to be “elite,” you’re going to have to step it up another notch.

Let’s be honest, a lot of the bands on Napalm are horrible, so I wasn’t expecting too much from Elis. I mean, does the world, much less Napalm, really need yet one more Gothic Metal band with a chick singer? The more aggressive moments on this album might actually make me say “yes!” if not for the spun-sugar stuff, which is about enough to induce diabetes. Still, the good bits tend to be really good, somewhat like a combination of Sinergy and Darkwell. But the rest will rot your brain.

What the fuck was that opening scream? Was it the singer’s little sister getting punched in the cunt? Oh hell, it wasn’t… That’s not good. I guess that these dudes want to be a combination of Judas Priest and Helloween, with the dumber lyrical content of Manowar thrown in. A lot of bands aspire to worse, I suppose. And musically this can be pretty good, with stunning production throughout. But this singer… It’s not even that he’s terrible; for this style, he’s okay. But he has a very annoying habit of exhaling really loudly after every line he sings, so that even the good lyrics are turned into “I signed -huhh- a contract with The Devil -huhh-.” That’s from the title track, which I kind of like in a guilty-pleasure way, despite eye-rolling lyrics like “The only thing I want / Is what my parents don’t.” At least, like UDO, these guys worship Metal as their only religion (or claim to, anyway), which gets them a little extra credit. But the lyrics are so dorky that even the aforementioned Manowar guys would be embarrassed to be caught singing along (and they have lyrics like “Then I run back to the power rack, and deck all of my gear”). And that’s all just the first song. By the time that we get to the third track, the gayness of the lyrics is too over-the-top for me, and I am unable to stand hearing crap like “Hit me with the sledge of Rock.” And it just gets worse from there, degenerating into Grim Reaper, Ozzy, and beyond territory, musically. They probably lift riffs from Ratt and Poison for all I know. And they even rip off their own songs, reusing the same riffs here and there… I am told that if you were to actually be masochistic enough to pay for this, it comes with a “making of” DVD. I shudder to think what that must be like.