When I heard that ICS Vortex of Dimmu Borgir was doing a solo album, I expected something more along the lines of Abrahadabra or In Sorte Diaboli, but maybe more guitar-heavy. What I got was something completely different. This isn’t a Black Metal album. I’d even be hesitant to even call this Metal. Storm Seeker is more like a Progressive Rock album than anything else. It isn’t very aggressive, and for the most part, it dwells in an area that is dark but really pretty mellow. The music never gets heavy or brutal - it just is. The vocals are likewise delivered competently but they definitely lack in passion. It’s almost disconnected, in a way. ICS Vortex may have written the music and performed the vocals but he doesn’t seem to be “into it.” This is very clinical in that respect, and reminds me of a lot of Folk Noir bands I’ve heard over the years, though musically, this is vastly different. It’s like someone went out and told people that cutting loose and giving it 110% is wrong and that idea stuck and became the norm. Technically perfect performances are fine, but if there isn’t any “soul” in the vocals, then no amount of studio magic can fix it. Storm Seeker is a well executed album but the intangible aspects are what pulls this down. What Storm Seeker needs is boldness in both the music and vocals. The music is just too mellow and the vocals are just too passive. Don’t be afraid to kick ass! Hell, Journey kicked more ass than this and they weren’t even Metal!

Every once in a while Ray tries to sneak some Power Metal into my review pile with the hope that I’ll tear it to shreds and we’ll have a good laugh about it. Truth is, Philadelphia’s Pharaoh aren’t really awful enough to slander with 100 different derogatory homosexual remarks. They’re just a boring, middle-of-the-road Power Metal band. This is some kind of B-sides EP made up of 7-inch tracks with Slayer and New Model Army covers. Again, much like the majority of human beings, it just simply exists without really needing to. So, while it doesn’t suck enough to rip a new asshole, I will list the Top 10 things I would rather do than listen to this EP. 10) Throw a huge party and get two kegs of O’Douls. 9) Watch a PG-13 rated Horror film. 8) Go back in time five months ago and ask Ryan Dunn for a ride home. 7) Walk through Chicago’s Cabrini Green dressed as a Ku Klux Klansman, asking people if they could spare some change for gas money. 6) Check out Opeth’s Bon Jovi cover on YouTube. 5) Use condoms. 4) Pay by check. 3) Go back in time four years ago and beg my then-girlfriend not to have that abortion. 2) Watch a regularly scheduled MTV program. 1) Go to the doctor and find out what those bumps on my dick are.

I’ve been a fan of Peter Tagtgren’s work since the first note on Penetralia, so I hate to say that I’m disappointed by this album. That disappointment doesn’t come from a band putting out something substandard (such as Hypocrisy’s Catch 22 - no amount of reworking could save that abortion) but it comes from a band putting out an LP that sticks to a well-used formula and doesn’t deviate from it for an instant. The songs on here are well executed, well produced, but ultimately stuff you’ve heard already on previous Pain albums in one form or another. The marketing on this was that it had all of the best elements of previous Pain releases - and that might be true. That, sadly, doesn’t translate to an album full of great tracks. This leads to the second problem with You Only Live Twice: it doesn’t seem to have a standout track or anything “special” compared to previous albums. I’ve listened to it any number of times, trying to pick out a song that would fall into that category, but nothing sticks out glaringly and says “I’m the best fucking track on this album.” The songs are all okay when you listen to them, but as soon as the CD stops playing, you can’t remember anything. Maybe I had my expectations set too high because the last Hypocrisy album fucking ruled. Peter Tagtgren fronts both bands, right? I figured that since he was writing the bulk of the music for Hypocrisy and all of the music for Pain, if the first was awesome, the other one would be kick-ass, too. You Only Live Twice doesn’t suck, but it really doesn’t go anywhere either. Sadly, I think that maybe Pain has run its course. Either Peter needs to bring in some outside collaboration to freshen things up, or he should just bury it before it becomes stagnant to the point of self-parody.

Forty minute songs as albums isn’t the world’s greatest idea. Sure, Edge of Sanity pulled it off twice. Diabolical Masquerade also got away with it, and Jesu went even longer than forty. Opeth could probably do it if they weren’t too busy making Genesis records. But all these bands have one thing in common that the homosexually named U.S. Christmas doesn’t have… talent. The clean male vocals here sound as if they were intended to seduce young boys. There is also some cunt doing backup vocals who sounds high as a kite. This thing plays like a soundtrack to a film about a gay cowboy who is fighting his severe addiction to eating pudding. Or it could be the result of taking lethal amounts of LSD and wandering aimlessly down Halsted Street. Either way I’m willing to bet this synchs up perfectly with Brokeback Mountain. Seriously, I’m nine fucking minutes into this piece of shit and I’ve heard one slow hippie drumbeat, slow hippie guitar soloing, and slow hippie “singing.” Nine more minutes in… some ocean sounds and what might as well be dead silence. Wow. And I’m honestly expected to stick around for another mind-numbing 20 minutes? I have a fucking job! I have bills I need to pay! Plus there’s some shit I want to watch on TV and then I have some real music I can listen to. Maybe this is something the Sludge cunts use to wind down with after a hard day of drinking Starbucks, getting rabbits tattooed on their tits, and winking on Zoosk. Regardless, some brainless cumstain will undoubtedly try to pass this off as “art.” Trust me, the Education Connection jingle is about a thousand times more moving.

This album is a bit hard to review. The sound and production on this are slick and modern, but the songs are actually decades old. Hell was originally part of the same NWOBHM movement that spawned Angel Witch, Iron Maiden, Jaguar and even Def Leppard. They released a 7-inch EP and a demo back in the day, but they never got it together long enough to release a full-length album. Lineup problems and other issues plagued them, and ultimately the suicide of founder David Halliday in 1987 put an end to the band. Now, over twenty years later, Andy Sneap has reformed Hell as a tribute to his old friend, David. While Sneap may be known more for working in the studio, producing albums for Metal bands, he learned how to play guitar from David Halliday and he was also a huge fan of Hell’s original incarnation. The music on this LP, while sounding modern in production, is faithful to the original demo recordings. Andy plays David’s guitar parts and new vocalist, David Bower (brother of guitarist Kev Bower) has taken over the mic. If you can imagine an old NWOBHM band getting a chance to re-record their first album with today’s technology, you get an idea how this sounds. The thing that takes a bit of getting used to is Bower’s vocal delivery. He brings a certain amount of campiness to the proceedings with his overly-dramatic vocals (imagine someone singing the way William Shatner acts). It took me several listens and several days of going “old-school” (listening to nothing but old Iron Maiden, Judas Priest, Angel Witch, Venom, Motorhead, etc.) before I could put Human Remains in the proper perspective. If you’re a fan of melodic Metal in the old way, this is definitely one to add to your collection. This will also appeal to fans of Heathen, Death Angel or Power Metal bands like Hammerfall.

Child prodigies in the Death Metal genre are always a risky gamble. Let me date myself and ask, does anyone out there remember the Deathkids? Okay, the four people that do, can you remember any of their songs? See what I mean? But Germany’s Hackneyed are much better than that. If I’m not mistaken, they were in their very early teens or younger when they put out 2008’s Death Prevails, a fine album with some great songs that I can actually still remember (“Gut Candy,” “Worlds Collide”). I missed out on their second album (2009’s Burn After Reaping) somehow. Maybe a subconscious fear of a sophomore slump, or more realistically, I was probably out fucking some fat bitches. Regardless, I figured it’s time I dropped in on the kids and see how they’ve matured. Actually not a whole lot’s changed. They’re still writing simplistic but catchy and brutal Death Metal anthems. “Bugging for Mercy” and “Circus Coccus Spirilly” (whatever the fuck that means) have a real bareknuckle Jungle Rot quality, while “Maculate Conception” has some blasting and a pit riff that could get you headbanging at your dearest loved one’s funeral. “Magic Malignancy” also features solid blasting and a good chorus, although the pit riff isn’t quite as volatile. “Feed the Lions” is also a worthy cut, plus it reminds me of the good old days when we knew what to do with Christians. Funny how their god never saved them. A couple tracks here feature Deathcore-style “bree-bree” pig squeals, but other than that most trends are avoided. What’s unfortunate is the high amount of filler. Basically if I didn’t mention it, it’s because it wasn’t worth mentioning. So, a very good Death Metal album that potentially could’ve been better. You know, it’s sad. At the ripe age of 15, I was once a Death Metal child prodigy (sure, we might have to manipulate the meaning of the word “prodigy” just a little). Enjoy it while it lasts, guys. Hopefully when you reach your early 30s you won’t be listening to Hanging Garden and Happy Days every night with a gun in your mouth, trying to think of reasons to live.

With The Devil’s Rain, Jerry Only proves two things:
1) The man can still pen a catchy tune; and it wasn’t an accident that some of the most beloved tracks in The Misfits’ catalog have him listed as a contributing songwriter. There are moments on this album that will have you humming along long after the record is through, and that is something that every era of The Misfits have been able to deliver.
2) Jerry Only is not a lead singer. He is really trying to be on this album, and it’s obvious that he’s taken the role seriously. This doesn’t change the fact that the vocal delivery is stiff and lacking in dynamics. More than a few times it’s just outright flat. What we have here is Only doing his best to do a job that someone with a more natural ability would deliver a hundred times more effectively, and the material would be all the better for it. I have nothing but respect for the man, and his determined efforts to keep The Misfits out there after multiple line-up changes and assorted other dramas. But, this really could have been a much stronger record with a more confident voice at the forefront. Fiends will certainly be divided over this release, but I will cast my vote on the side of it being a solid LP, and worthy of the band name.

You know, I really am becoming quite the cynical asshole in my old age. With no information beyond band name, album title and tracklist, I popped this in and thought, “who are these fucking clowns trying to sound like Crust Punk Usurper?” Angrily I tossed it into the reject pile. Well, come to find out, it is ex-members of Usurper! We have here none other than Joe “Apocalyptic Warlord” (also of Dead Youth fame) on drums, Jon “Necromancer” (also of Kommandant fame) on bass/vocals, and “Carcass” Chris (also of Eternal Hatred fame) on guitars. Son of a bitch! I should’ve known with the Left Hand Path on meth guitar tone who I was dealing with from the start. Bones is basically filth-ridden Old School Death Metal, but with a ton of styles mixed in ranging from Thrash to Punk to NWOBHM. The band blend the styles effortlessly and seamlessly. Just listen to them go from Street Punk to early ’80s Sodom-worship on “Bitch.” Or take “Good Die Young,” a Hard Rock song that actually is HARD! When I see a song called “Lonely Death,” I automatically skip right to it because that’s the forecast for me, but I was not expecting a 2-minute Crust jam. So, they have some awesome riffs and have mastered genre-bending, there’s just one problem. None of it is memorable. No hits. None. The best song here is probably their cover of Devastation’s “Apocalyptic Warrior,” and that’s not saying much. This band have a lot going for them. All-star personnel, a guitar tone that crucifies Christ, and well-executed ideas. They just forgot to write songs. Hopefully next time.

I’ve been a fan of this band for a long time (since the debut album), so a new Falkenbach album is always something I pick up immediately as soon as I know it’s out. Having heard all of this band’s previous material, though, it makes this a tough review. On its own, this LP is solid Viking/Folk Metal that has well-played songs and tons of atmosphere. However, when viewed as the latest in a series of releases, this is just more of the same. Falkenbach knows that their fans want Hammerheart/Blood on Ice-styled Viking Metal and that is what you get. You got it on Heralding: The Fireblade, and you got it on the albums before that, too. If you are looking for adventurous song structures, bold new directions and such, you’re not going to find any here. You get songs with loads of medieval atmosphere, clean vocals, folk instruments, acoustic interludes and that “yearning for times long ago” feeling - all of which you got in varying degrees on the other releases. Seriously, this could be a mix tape of tracks from the band’s older material and you wouldn’t be able to tell the difference. If you’ve never heard Falkenbach before, this is akin to a “greatest hits” package in that it gives you everything you ever wanted to know about their music without having to track down albums that are probably out of print (especially the ones that were on No Colours). While this is musically as solid as you’re going to get, only Motorhead is allowed to release a “same old shit” album because they’ve already got enough awesome songs to fill a two hour set, a half-hour encore, a half-hour double-encore and a fifteen minute “are you crazy motherfuckers still here?” triple-encore. I had to knock off one and a half points from the rating for that reason. I didn’t want to do that to a band that I really like, but I didn’t need to buy Tiurida to listen to what was on here. I already have it. It’s called their back-catalog. This would probably be a 9 if I hadn’t already heard their previous releases.