U.S. Christmas - The Valley Path
Forty minute songs as albums isn’t the world’s greatest idea. Sure, Edge of Sanity pulled it off twice. Diabolical Masquerade also got away with it, and Jesu went even longer than forty. Opeth could probably do it if they weren’t too busy making Genesis records. But all these bands have one thing in common that the homosexually named U.S. Christmas doesn’t have… talent. The clean male vocals here sound as if they were intended to seduce young boys. There is also some cunt doing backup vocals who sounds high as a kite. This thing plays like a soundtrack to a film about a gay cowboy who is fighting his severe addiction to eating pudding. Or it could be the result of taking lethal amounts of LSD and wandering aimlessly down Halsted Street. Either way I’m willing to bet this synchs up perfectly with Brokeback Mountain. Seriously, I’m nine fucking minutes into this piece of shit and I’ve heard one slow hippie drumbeat, slow hippie guitar soloing, and slow hippie “singing.” Nine more minutes in… some ocean sounds and what might as well be dead silence. Wow. And I’m honestly expected to stick around for another mind-numbing 20 minutes? I have a fucking job! I have bills I need to pay! Plus there’s some shit I want to watch on TV and then I have some real music I can listen to. Maybe this is something the Sludge cunts use to wind down with after a hard day of drinking Starbucks, getting rabbits tattooed on their tits, and winking on Zoosk. Regardless, some brainless cumstain will undoubtedly try to pass this off as “art.” Trust me, the Education Connection jingle is about a thousand times more moving.
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