There certainly isn’t much subtlety involved when it comes to this band name, but I like it. Good record or bad record, I at least know I can relate on a personal level. Although, it is a bit of a bummer that I’m going to have to come up with a new name for my memoirs now. My ever-expanding gut tells me I’m in for Suicidal Depressive Black Metal, and if history’s taught me anything, that usually means either breathtakingly good or joke-bad. One thing you can say about my gut, aside from how morbidly grotesque it looks hanging in the missionary position, is that it’s usually right. And yes, My Useless Life definitely is SDBM, however, On the Edge is neither a flawless masterpiece nor a pathetic embarrassment. I guess the genre does have middle ground after all. The biggest hindrance here is the production. Obviously I don’t expect a huge, crystalline sound from bands like this, on the contrary I believe a little necro is in order for this ilk, but this is really bad. I’m talking I-hope-this-isn’t-destroying-my-speakers bad. I doubt this was even mixed, let alone mastered. Another grievance would be the vocal quality, or lack thereof. Scantly used and buried, I assume intentionally, the vocals are weak screams at best, with the occasional long-winded moan or groan not helping the cause whatsoever. More than any other kind, depressive music needs vocals —and they need to be good vocals— to properly illustrate the pain of the music’s inherent sadness. And if My Useless Life does one thing well, it’s crafting musical sadness. The poignant, tearjerking melodies found on “Suicidal Angels,” “Existence Without Purpose,” and “Road to Nowhere,” are pure cheerless genius. That melancholic mastery makes this impossible to write off, but the piss-poor recording and lack of a real singer creates a gaping void within the album that desperately needs to be filled, yet never is.

Longtime Softcore pioneers Millencolin have always been one of my all-time non-Metal favorites. And while they might not be typical Metal Curse fodder, they are from Sweden and have been recorded by Dan Swano. Isn’t that close enough? If there’s no spot in your heart for the lighter side of Punk whatsoever, I respect and pity you equally. I can’t help but love this band. Their ’90s output —classics like Same Old Tunes, Life on a Plate, and For Monkeys— helped shape my high school years. An instantly likable mix of Pop and Skate Punk with occasional hints of Ska that sounded as good in person as it did on record, as I was fortunate enough to witness back when I was alive. They seemed to fade into the twilight shortly after the turn of the century. Following up 2000’s solid Pennybridge Pioneers with 2002’s less-than-spectacular Home from Home (a fans-only release at best), they disappeared from my radar until now. The Melancholy Connection is a rare/unreleased compilation that serves as a companion piece to 1999’s Melancholy Collection, which chronicled their odds and ends circa 1993-1997. Connection also features two new songs and comes with a bonus DVD, a documentary on the making of Pennybridge Pioneers. Obviously this comp focuses on the missing pieces from the last twelve years, which as I noted, don’t quite match the energy and passion of the band’s first seven, but there are still gems here. “Queen’s Gambit” and “Dinner Dog” (b-sides from the Penguins and Polarbears single) are the heartfelt, catchy anthems these guys are known for. New track “Carry You” is stickier than pine tar after a few spins, while “Out from Nowhere” has an undeniable newer-Bad Religion quality. Other standouts include “Mind the Mice,” “The Downhill Walk,” “Junkie for Success,” and “Bowmore,” which all pack major league-memorable choruses. If anything, this collection has inspired me to dust off the old records, and has me anticipating the possibility of a new album for the first time in a decade.

Not to downplay the historical significance or quality of the second and third demos from legendary Long Island Death Metallers Internal Bleeding, but how many reissues do we honestly need? Not to sell them short, 1992’s Invocation of Evil and 1994’s Perpetual Degradation have a permanent place in my heart. I had them both on cassette as a 15-year old virgin back in the flyer-stuffing days for fuck’s sake! Not to mention Perpetual Degradation being the first thing I was ever asked to review for Metal Curse. But they’ve already seen reissue in the form of 2001’s Alien Breed, which also had the decency to include their first demo and an unreleased track. So, since I already own that, plus the originals, Heritage of Sickness is pretty damn far from essential for yours truly. All it really has new to offer the Internal Bleeding lifer is the inclusion of two live bonus tracks —”Ocular Introspection” and “Prophet of the Blasphemies”— from the Mountains of Death Festival in Switzerland a year ago. While they do sound halfway decent, a couple okay-sounding live cuts isn’t much of a deal-sweetener. Now, if you’re a 15-year old virgin as we speak, or just new to the game, this package’s stock goes way up. No one’s finding Alien Breed on the shelf at Super Target anytime soon, so track this down at all costs. No self-respecting fan of Death Metal, East Coast-style or otherwise, should be without these trippy beats and slamming pit riffs. Tough to rate, as the material itself is excellent, plus the aforementioned sentimental value. Yet the lack of essentiality for the veteran and absence of any noteworthy bonus goodies can’t help but detract from the score.

Aura Noir was one of the first Black Thrash groups to emerge from the Norwegian scene, and at the time it was quite refreshing to hear a band that wasn’t blatantly ripping off Darkthrone, Immortal, Emperor and Burzum. That was 1995/1996. Four full-length albums later, we’re at Out to Die. Destruction and Kreator worship still abounds in every song. If I’d been born in the 1990s or had never been through the original Thrash heyday, I would probably think that this was the shit. Unfortunately, I was buying Destruction albums when Infernal Overkill was new. To me, albums like Out to Die are a pale imitation of the originators. They really aren’t doing anything new with the sound. Much like other bands in the movement, they’re attempting to recapture that spark of glory that made bands like Destruction, Sodom, Voivod, Metallica, Slayer and Exodus legendary. This is not to say that the band’s playing and sound are crap. This is well executed and well produced. The problem I have with Aura Noir is that they aren’t doing anything that I haven’t heard already. They found their sound long ago and they’re sticking to it. It’s formula from beginning to end with little to no deviation from “the plan.” I’m old and admittedly jaded. Bands like Aura Noir need to work a lot harder to impress me. Out to Die didn’t go anywhere that the band hasn’t been already - and they’re treading on already well explored ground to begin with. There aren’t any mistakes here, but when you play things this safe, you generally don’t have any. No boundaries were pushed on this LP at all. If you already own a couple Aura Noir albums, you really don’t need another one because musically, this isn’t any different than what you already have.

I’m surprised that Ray didn’t want to review this one since he got the original demos in a tape trade with Noah. HA! Just kidding, folks. He isn’t really that old. (We like to have fun here. Here’s my head shot.) All joking aside, I had prepared the obligatory history lesson regarding this reissued treasure, but I’d like to think the readers of Metal Curse don’t really need it. Everyone already knows that Mantas —”Evil” Chuck Schuldiner, Rick Rozz, Kam Lee— was pre-Death, and that Death arguably gave birth to our beloved Death Metal genre, right? Good. Glad to get that out of the way. For those of us not fortunate/ancient enough to possess the original tapes, Relapse has put this retrospective together which includes both the 4-song and 5-song versions of the Death by Metal demo, and the infamous “Rise of Satan” rehearsal, all from 1984. As an archaeological prize, this collection’s value is limitless. As hard as it is to believe, this was considered the most extreme music ever written and recorded at the time, and we shouldn’t forget that. But aside from its time-machine quality and historical importance, these recordings are pretty tough to sit through. It seems unfair and wrong to say this sounds like shit, but this sounds like shit. It shouldn’t come as much of a surprise considering it was recorded 28 years ago at a house in Orlando by three teenagers using the hubcap of a Dodge Aries and tin foil. Given those circumstances, maybe it sounds pretty damn good. Regardless, the only present-day enjoyment this has to offer is of the nostalgic variety. I usually don’t condone owning something you’ll never listen to, but an exception can be made when it comes to fossils as priceless as these.

Ah, Norway. Famous for its wooden stave churches… well, the few that are left that is (HA!)… its mighty forests, vast waters, twelve hours of annual sunlight, and rich tradition of dangerously unhappy people. Anyone reading this ought to be familiar with its icy hordes of stargazing Black Metallers, and of course, everyone knows Norway has a problem with trolls (TROLL!!!!). But as I have discovered with this third full-length from what might be the country’s heaviest export, it’s also the home of relentlessly slam-happy Death Metal. Kraanium’s primitive mid-tempo assault may not conjure mental images of Vikings, but that whole raping and pillaging thing seems about right. (Speaking of which, I still have yet to figure out exactly what the hell this mutilated zombie rapist is doing to those female corpses on the album cover, but I assure you it isn’t nice.) These guys hack, slash, and bludgeon with groove so brutal it’s like Devourment playing old Dying Fetus demos so loud they’re Waking the Cadaver. Complete pussies will be pleased to know that Kraanium utilize the standard Deathcore breakdown very rarely if ever, and in their defense they don’t really need it. Their steady rotation of chug and blast will get the pit moving just fine by itself. And if you’re not a mosher, fear not; Martin Funderud’s guttural esophageal emanations will have that left eye twitching like Cookie Monster’s while you clockwise headbang. Dude sounds like John Gallagher on 666 tanks of nitrous. This album should successfully fulfill those gore-obsessed barbaric urges, and could quite possibly awaken your inner breakdancer, but at the very least Post Mortal Coital Fixation will solve the long-pondered query of what precisely is the difference between jam and jelly. And that alone is priceless.

Nearly the only flaw with the previous U.D.O. album, 2011’s Rev-Raptor, was that it was released in several different versions with exclusive bonus tracks on each one. This is a problem that has plagued far too many bands over the years, and U.D.O. is certainly no exception. It is perhaps this legendary group’s only weakness. With that in mind, I was overjoyed to find out about this 2-CD collection of “bonus” and rare tracks, released to celebrate U.D.O.’s 25th anniversary and main-man Udo “Bastard!!” Dirkschneider’s 60th birthday. As far as I can tell, Celebrator compiles all of the band’s hard-to-find songs up to and including the Rev-Raptor Japan-only bonus tracks (although not the Limited Edition ones, which is a bummer, but at least that’s easier to find than the Japanese pressing), plus a ton of stuff I didn’t even know existed. You might not think that you need to hear a “piano version” of Accept’s venerable “Balls to the Wall,” or an “orchestral version” of “Tears of a Clown” (both of which are amazing!), or covers of “Metal Gods” and “Born to Be Wild” (which is a team-up with Raven), or Udo singing with Lordi (“They Only Come Out at Night”) and Hammerfall (an excellent cover of the Accept classic “Head Over Heels”), but if you’re an U.D.O. fan then you need all the Udo you can get. And if you’re not an U.D.O. fan… well, this won’t convince your stupid ass. With 25 tracks, Celebrator really delivers a massive amount of Heavy Metal, even if there are a few that are merely “remixes” of album tracks, such as Udo’s duet with Doro Pesch (from 2002’s Man and Machine), “Dancing with an Angel.” I hope to hell that this release brings an end to the protracted and grueling Bonus Track Wars, but that’s a pipe dream, so go ahead and sign me up for the next collection, whenever it may be unleashed, although I do think that if I can produce receipts for all U.D.O.’s previous albums, these should be free. And that’s all that holds Celebrator back from a ten.

“Pee in the shower! Pee in the shower!
Pee in the shower! Pee in the shower!”
No, that isn’t how the second cut from the classic Amongst the Catacombs of the Nephren-Ka begins, but it’s wild they made an album so memorable it still lends itself to parody 14 years later. Sadly, it dawned on me one night, gazing at my record collection, thinking, “Do I really need all the Niles? Never listen to ‘em…”, that they haven’t really written anything as memorable since. In retrospect, all Nile albums have been good. That is to say they sound fantastic and enthrall with brutality while being played, but once they’re over nothing is remembered. (The title track from Black Seeds of Vengeance doesn’t count. Too easy.) Hard to argue with results, though. As far as Death Metal bands go, Nile has achieved extraordinary success. Whether that’s because they appeal to the afraid-of-Satan Death Metallers lyrically, or because some Metalheads are convinced Karl Sanders is really Greg “The Hammer” Valentine, is a debate for another time. When I popped in At the Gate of Sethu (bless you), I was reluctantly expecting more of the same. A Nile album that sounds like all Nile albums sound. Fast, brutal, technical, Egyptian bullshit, etc. All of a sudden, I can only wish that were the case! We still get the speed and virtuoso skill level, and of course the Egyptian bugaboo, but where the fuck is the heaviness? And what the fuck’s up with the vocals? Forgive me, I don’t know which of their 37 vocalists is which, but the low growls have taken an unfortunate backseat to awkward, lightweight, pitiful yelling. Related to the return of Joe Vesano or not, the vocals on this album are embarrassingly awful, and that deliriously heavy bottom end is gone. Perhaps a more traditional tuning, a more organic production, and a neutered vocal approach is all an effort to revisit their Thrash roots? Not sure, but the end results are alarmingly weak. I wanted this record to stand out, but not like this. On second thought, I think I’ll keep all the Niles. I’ll just stop at whatever their last one was called.

I’ve heard a lot of different descriptions of what kind of music Borknagar plays. They’ve been mostly described as Avant-garde Progressive Folk/Viking Metal, but that’s really just a fancy way of saying that Borknagar, for all of their Folk and Viking Metal heritage, is essentially a Power Metal band now. Urd has more in common with releases by Iron Savior, Iced Earth and Rhapsody than anything that could be classified as “Viking” or “Folk” Metal. There aren’t any Viking or Folk elements on this album at all, unless you count the cover art. If you were seriously looking for something in the Progressive Folk/Viking Metal vein, I’d recommend the new Einherjer album instead. It’s progressive musically, but still has the Viking/Folk elements, where Urd is lacking them. Lyrically, Urd’s central theme revolves around the apocalypse - specifically humans doing something to fuck up the environment and causing us all to die. Honestly, if I wanted to hear someone whining about how fucked up the environment is, all I have to do is walk down the street during my lunch hour and I’ll be accosted by some dreadlock-encrusted college student with a clipboard who would be more than happy to tell me all about it. I don’t need to hear about it on a Metal album unless it’s environmental revenge fantasy like The Bastard by Hammers of Misfortune (spoiler alert: the trees come to life and kill everyone). I guess that with all the 2012 Mayan calendar bullshit that’s been going on, these guys decided to cash in on the hype. Musically, this is very well played and the songs are very well thought out. This isn’t the most awesome Power Metal album ever written, but if you’re a fan of the genre, there’s a lot to like about Urd. My only real gripe stems from the fact that I was a fan of Borknagar back when they actually played Viking Metal and I was disappointed that they’ve essentially buried that past. I wanted to hear the old Borknagar. What I got was a Power Metal album instead. It was a good Power Metal album, but it wasn’t a Borknagar album. At some point, a band strays so far from their original sound that the band’s name isn’t appropriate anymore. I think Borknagar is at that point. Without the Viking/Folk elements to their sound, they’re really not the same band.