Bathtub Shitter - Dance Hall Grind
More of the same worthless, juvenile, sub par Japcore. This band take nothing seriously and it really shows in their music. The vocalist sounds like Ms. Piggy this time around. Wow, that’s really funny. Everything’s just a big joke, Dance Hall Grind being the biggest of all. You see, not all Asians are smart.
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Barcode - Showdown
Yo, dog! Fuck Homie Core n’ shit, dude. This shit be whack, playa, for real dog, I ain’t even playin’. I be feelin’ dat Old School, g, but ‘dis be mo’ like Preschool, word! Muthafucka sound like Tom Araya wit’ Downs, ya heard me. Yo, I finna take ‘dis back to da record sto,’ be like, “What is ‘dis shit you sold me, man? I cannot get jiggy wit’ dis’ shit!” Awight, peace.
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Azure - King of Stars - Bearer of Dark
Featuring ex-Naglfar drummer Mattias Holmgren, Azure play an extremely skilled and adventurous style of Black Metal, not unlike Absu. But these vocals have got to go. They have no kick or depth at all, just a limp, scratchy yell that often cracks a la Peter Brady. Musically they could not be more on, delivering a virtuoso performance that often ascends to epic and poignant heights, but even the most basic of Black or Death Metal vocals would’ve saved King of Stars by leaps and bounds.
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Armistice - Roots of Evil
Paying homage to their native land’s Speed/Thrash heritage, Germany’s Armistice slice through the pages of the Destruction / Kreator / Sodom playbooks with relative ease, complete with Stefan Fischer’s bellows coming off as diet Schmier. As well played as it is, it sounds painfully dated, and the lyrics are equally as tired. I’m growing weary of songs about the war, and no group of Caucasians should ever have a song called “Doggy Style,” no matter what. The bottom line is, when I want to hear German Thrash, I’ll reach for the same records that influenced this album instead.
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Arch Enemy - Doomsday Machine
I admit it, I’d thought for sure that this band would have “evolved” into a more mainstream Machine, but I was wrong. Before I heard this album, I saw the band live at of all places the fucking Ozzfest. Well, Iron Maiden was there, and… Anyway, Arch Enemy really put on a great show, and so I was excited when this new album arrived. I’ve heard some people describe this as “Metalcore” or even “Mallcore,” but I don’t hear that at all. In fact, this is mostly a throwback to older Thrashy Death Metal, with Angela’s raspy vocals fitting very well with this style. The only thing that really seems modern is the slick (but not overly so) production. Sadly, I’d guess that a lot of the more underground Metal fans are going to overlook Doomsday Machine simply because the band is gaining popularity (I just about shit myself when I saw the video for the excellent “Nemesis” playing on the big screen at the local Media Play!), and that’s a shame, since there is a lot to like here. one odd thing, though: my review copy has 98 tracks with each of the eleven songs broken into multiple tracks. That’s super annoying, and I truly hope that this is some stupid bullshit only done to the review copies. [It was only the review copies. -Editor] As long as I’m hoping, I’d also like to hope that this isn’t the band’s last good album. Fame has a way of making bands suck, and it looks like Arch Enemy is on the way to being kind of a big deal.
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Among the Decayed - A Perfect Day for Terror
I’m sorry, I have OCD and I need to vent a little bit. This is not an “EP,” it’s a demo. “Death Hatchet Records” is not a real record label, even if by putting a gaudy full color sticker on your Memorex CDR and throwing together a generic layout on your computer you want to pretend it is. There’s no shame in being unsigned or unrepresented. You’ve got to start somewhere. Among the Decayed starts with three tracks of fair Death Metal with hints of groove. A better production would probably take them to the next level, but it would still most likely be boring. Let’s just hope the legacy of the Death Hatchet empire has not been marred by their first “signing.”
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Blut Aus Nord - The Work Which Transforms God
Shitty, boring, run-of-the-mill, badly produced, dime-a-dozen, you’ve heard it a thousand fucking times before Black Metal. I can’t believe labels are still signing this cut-out bin fodder. Anyone who can sit through this whole album should be awarded a prize of some sort. I made it halfway through the third song and I feel I deserve at least a blowjob and a backrub.
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Avulsed - Gorespattered Suicide
It figures, I’d just finally tracked down 2002’s Yearning for the Grotesque (it’s hard to come by quality Metal imports in the Midwest, also known as Jesus’ asshole), and now I’ve got twice as much catching up to do. That’s okay, you can never have too much Avulsed. Heralded by many as Spain’s finest Death Metal band, Dave Rotten and company are back to sonically torture and mesmerize. While I’ve yet to hear an Avulsed album that rivals the power of Stabwound Orgasm, Gorespattered (careful, typists, it’s “spattered” not “splattered”) Suicide is probably the closest second. The album successfully showcases this band’s uncanny ability to pimp-walk the trapeze wire between primal brutality and soaring melodies. Grinding and pummeling along in a similar vein as classic Bolt Thrower and Grave, you never know when you’re going to get an injection of Amorphis (that’s old Amorphis, before they looked like dikes). And then you’ve got Rotten’s trademark subhuman vokills, some of the smoothest and deepest in the business. They also throw in the best cover of “Ace of Spades” I’ve ever heard for good measure. One of the most challenging Motorhead songs to tackle, and they do so without a hitch. You can’t go wrong with Avulsed.
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Artery Eruption - Gouging Out Eyes of Mutilated Infants
Funny album title. This band plays decent Gurgle-Grind a la Deeds of Flesh and Disgorge, albeit a little less refined. Nothing spectacular, but not bad by any stretch. A better production would probably help a lot. This drummer’s amazing but his kit sounds like empty 2-liters and trash can lids. One of these guys thanks “God,” but I genuinely feel that might be a joke. I hope it is.
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