1991-1993, 2005-present is an unusual active timeline for any group. For those unfamiliar with the story, Sweden’s Evocation put out two amazing demos in ‘91 and ‘92. Filthy, brutal, and understandably drenched in what would come to be known as the Sunlight sound, these recordings were on par with the likes of scene contemporaries Entombed, Grave, Dismember, Unleashed, etc. However, just as it seemed this young band was poised for Boss-Heavy-Metal-pedal greatness, they split and vanished into thin air. But 11 years later, when Breath of Night Records contacted the band about reissuing the now-classic demos, the creative juices began to flow again and the reunited group has been on a tear ever since. While recent solid offerings such as 2008’s Dead Calm Chaos and 2010’s Apocalyptic have inarguably sounded more Gothenburg than Stockholm, they’ve opened up an entirely new chapter altogether with Illusions of Grandeur. There really is no way to sugar-coat it, folks. Album #5 sounds so much like Amon Amarth it’s borderline comical. I’m not talking about a slight influence here and there, I’m talking about a carbon-copy clone. Tracks like “Well of Despair,” “Divide and Conquer,” “Metus Odium,” and “Crimson Skies” could easily pass for lost songs from Surtur Rising with a different singer! Some of that Gothenburg fury is still present (see the At the Gates-fueled “Perception of Reality” and “I’ll Be Your Suicide”), but just to alleviate any possible doubt about the band’s intentions, Johan Hegg himself drops by to lend his pipes on standout cut “Into Submission,” which —like the whole album, really— is derivative of his band to the point of plagiarism. I can’t help but find this move puzzling. How often does a well-established band flip a bitch mid-career and begin sounding identical to another well-established band? I guess from a business standpoint it makes sense given Amon Amarth’s success, and truthfully Evocation convincingly pulls off the impersonation to a tee, but it still leaves me wondering who the real Evocation is? Are their hearts even in it, or are they merely a mirror image of what sells at the time? Tough to assign a rating, as the material itself is undeniably enjoyable, but the total lack of originality and sincerity leaves a bit of a bitter taste. The odd ride continues. Wonder who they’ll sound like next.

UK-style Punk Rock so cheap and generic it should be on the shelf at Aldi’s. 35 years as a band, 14 albums into their career, and Canada’s D.O.A. are still on a Sex Pistols-first-practice skill level. While most Punk bands see fit to break up before they suck, the ones who’ve never been any good in the first place can’t take a hint. Is there anything sadder in this world than 60-year-olds dressed up as Punk Rockers, still whining like little bitches about the government? Is Canada’s government really all that bad? Don’t they all have free healthcare and something like 13 gun crimes a year? I honestly don’t know because I don’t give a shit about things I can’t control. It’s wasted energy to cry about politics. You want to escape your master’s hand? Kill yourself! You think Nick Drake or Ian Curtis worry about unjust wars and poverty? Do GG Allin, Kurt Cobain, or Jonas Bergqvist seem to be concerned about the upper 1% or foreign policy? Nope, they’re all free. And luckily for them, they missed hearing the low point of Jello Biafra’s storied career. His guest vocal spot on the corny “We Occupy” is downright nauseating. You’re better than that, Jello. Political lyrics are such an easy way out. Complaining about the government certainly isn’t hard to do, but what good comes of it? Do you really think some crooked politician or corrupt banker is going to hear a shitty Punk song and change his/her ways? We’re all slaves, always have been, always will be. Deal. Speaking of easy, this band’s music is so simple and basic it makes Skrewdriver sound like some kind of mind-boggling alien Prog. It’s total Punk-Rock-for-beginners, replete with the occasional first-guitar-solo-Chuck-Berry-ever-wrote. And when it isn’t grade school-level Punk rehash, it’s completely sickening happiness and fun. I vomited blood when I heard the bagpipes on “Dirty Bastards,” the Reggae-inspired “Walk Through This World,” and the Spaghetti Western vibe of “Man with No Name.” My, these blokes sure are jubilant and jolly for being so politically oppressed! Meanwhile, “Lost Souls” sounds like a Glam ballad, only to be outgayed by the weakest Beatles cover (“Revolution” of course) ever recorded. Fitting, as this is quite possibly the worst Punk album I’ve ever heard. Occupy a coffin.

This is a band that is composed of members of Nachtmystium, The Atlas Moth, Gates of Slumber and Leviathan. I don’t know if it is a full-time group or not, but given what we have on this record, I hope they continue with it. This EP, clocking in at just under a half-hour, is very cohesive and when you consider that all of the members are also involved in so many other bands at the same time, I was surprised that this didn’t sound sloppy, or worse, like a compilation album. Given the bands involved (particularly Nachtmystium and Leviathan - although I think that Wrest only plays bass live, so I don’t know how much, if any, input/influence he had with the songwriting), I was a bit surprised that Chrome Waves has a Gothic atmosphere mixed in with their Black Metal assault. By “Gothic,” I mean a somber, depressive air, not Cradle of Filth-style music with overblown keyboards and angst-filled lyrics. I guess the best way to describe how it sounds would be to take the atmosphere of The Cure but with Black Metal music. It’s dark, but in a melancholic way, kind of like a faster-paced version of old Katatonia (maybe Dance of December Souls-era or the demo). It kind of has a Doom edge but it stays just over the line of going into true Doom territory. The use of acoustic guitar and also guitar effects does a lot to create the atmosphere. Some of the tracks reminded me of Thergothon (but without the band’s trademark “Swamp Thing” vocals) or the post-Thergothon entity, This Empty Flow, in the way they used their guitars. One thing that I would have liked would have been a heavier guitar tone. With the music being more atmospheric and Doom oriented in places, a heavier guitar sound would have made this darker. Other than that, it’s a very good debut. The songs are solid, and though there is plenty of room for them to grow musically, there really aren’t any obvious flaws in their delivery. I’ll definitely be on the lookout for Chrome Waves in the future.

A 5-year hiatus is a scary proposition for any band and their fans, but in the case of Philly Post-Metalcore crew A Life Once Lost, it’s even more worrisome for a few reasons. The group was seemingly at the peak of its popularity after two grueling years of touring in support of 2007’s Iron Gag when a freak bicycle accident put guitarist Doug Sabolick on the shelf with a shoulder injury for a month. This brought plans to a screeching halt and eventually resulted in three longtime band members jumping ship, leaving only Sabolick and vocalist Bob Meadows to forge on. So, here’s a band that’s been known to mutate a time or two —beginning as a more straightforward Metalcore unit that would use a strong Meshuggah influence to morph into something far more listenable than the Math Metal of their idols— now writing as a duo amidst this lengthy hiatus, armed with a new drummer and new record label…gulp…Season of Mist. No disrespect to SOM —a quality source of extreme music for two decades— but as a Death Metaller at heart, I’ll forever be weary of any already-established band’s debut for this particular label. (TOO EXTREME!!) Luckily there’s nothing radikult here, but as expected this is a somewhat different ALOL. The foundation remains the same: cold, unfeeling riffs chug and bend in strict unison with a similarly mechanical rhythm section, serving as the canvas for Meadows to paint with his crazed-madman scream, which thankfully sounds as venomous as ever. The difference is a new pervading atmosphere that envelopes the band’s attack, and I’m not just talking about the occasional Hammond Organ. I’m talking about the guitar leads. This album is completely covered head-to-toe in constant leads! Leads over the verses, leads over the choruses, leads over the leads between the leads! Leads, leads, leads — to the rhyming and the chiming, from the jingling and the tinkling, to the swinging and the ringing of the leads, leads, leads! Psychedelic leads, Stoner leads, ’80s Cop Show leads… what a tale their terror tells of despair! These leads transform the songs’ heavy, aggressive structures into robotic background noise, nullifying much of their ferocity and creating an actual ecstatic trance. It’s all very well-played and hypnotic, but makes for an album that could potentially take a lifetime to truly sink in. Not the place to begin for new fans. Start with A Great Artist or Hunter first.

Hey fellas. Wow, this is even harder than I thought it was gonna be. Umm… I know we’ve had some great times together. Back when we met in ‘94, you put the UK on the map as far as the Second Wave’s concerned. I’d never met a Black Metal band like you before. You were charming yet savage, intense yet exquisite, so different from all the others. I knew I’d found someone special. You guys got so big over the next decade! Black Metal on Sony? Hello! But it was still such high quality shit. At the height of your Hot Topic popularity, it wasn’t always easy to admit what we had to my friends, but you know I ain’t never been one for posing, and haters are gonna hate regardless. That’s just what haters do. I didn’t care what they said, everything up to and including Nymphetamine was fucking tits, bros. And an honorable mention for 2008’s Godspeed on the Devil’s Thunder while I’m at it. But, it feels like we’ve grown apart. You haven’t been very attentive to my needs lately. I don’t know what this shit is you’ve been putting out for the better part of six years, but it sure isn’t us. When I saw your recent promo photos I felt sorry for you. Here we are pushing 40 and you’re still dressing up for Halloween? My mother was right about you. This new album is total fucking garbage! Dani, your voice is shot, home slice. Why do you think so many band members have bailed on you? Musically it’s decent… I guess. Some okay Punkier riffage (“For Your Vulgar Delectation,” “Succumb to This,” “Manticore”), nods to trad Heavy Metal (“Illicitus,” “Pallid Reflection”), and the occasional glory days throwback (“The Abhorrent,” “Frost on Her Pillow,” “Siding with the Titans”), but it’s nothing like the songs you used to write for me. Every time we try to enjoy a nice meal together, Dani has to come and put his dick in the butter with that pitiful new cleaner singing style and those anti-memorable vocal patterns. I’m leaving you. It’s over. It’s been over. I have to do what’s best for me. You’re never going to grow up, and I need a real band. Don’t bother coming after me, we’re through. I hope you’re happy. (And just so you know, I was seeing other bands the whole time!)
P.S. I faked all my goat horns.

Sorry about the lack of a new review on Friday. My internet connection went down for a couple days (!) and the best help I could get out of my internet service provider (Frontier Communications - voted the worst ISP in the country every year of the company’s existence, and of course the only option here in Hell’s Heart, Indiana) was “Is your DSL modem plugged in?”

Despite the fact that Running Wild has been around since the dawn of time (i.e. the early ’80s), I somehow managed to never hear much from them. The first time I listened to Therion’s cover of “Under Jolly Roger” (from 1997’s A’arab Zaraq Lucid Dreaming odd-and-ends album), I instantly loved it and wanted to at long last check out Running Wild. But that was almost a decade before you could fire up YouTube and overdose on whatever band you want. Even Google was still more than a year away! Back then our options were limited to listening to a friend’s CD/LP/tape, or driving to a thing we called a “record store,” and there were a few that I knew of back then that specialized in Metal. Now we can hear anything, no matter how obscure, with just a few clicks, but I used to travel hundreds of miles to buy music. A couple friends of mine owned a small Metal/Rock store about 50 miles away, so I drove over and they played quite a lot of Running Wild for me. After a few hours of not really being all that impressed, I bought a cassette (at the time, I only had a tape player in my car) -I don’t remember which one- and left. I listened to it on the way home and probably another few times, but for whatever reason, it simply didn’t stick in my brain, and that was that. Fast forward to 2012 and Shadowmaker. I played this once when it first arrived, likely in the background while I was doing something else, and then promptly forgot all about it in the avalanche of new releases I wade through every day. Months later, I rediscovered it in my “review” list, and thought I’d give it another try. Seconds into the first track, “Piece of the Action,” I realized that I was kind of singing along, and wondered how I could possibly know the song. Same thing with the next one, and the next… Thinking that maybe Shadowmaker was an all-covers album (although covers of what bands I could not imagine), I looked it up on the ever-helpful Metal-Archives.com only to discover that it wasn’t. All these Running Wild songs had wormed their way into my memory without me even realizing it! The Hard Rock elements take over in the kinda goofy “Me & the Boys,” which is a guilty pleasure at best that I wouldn’t want anyone to hear me listening to, but mostly this album is a near-perfect blend of traditional Heavy Metal with just a little Thrash, wrapped up in an absolutely flawless production that is supremely clear with a thick, heavy guitar tone (for this style - it’s not fucking early Entombed). And instantly memorable songs! I defy you to listen to Shadowmaker, especially the Thrashy title track, or “Into the Black,” without banging your head and singing along! Now, if you’ll excuse me, I’ve got about 30 years worth of Running Wild’s back-catalog to finally listen to.

I really wanted to like this new Pig Destroyer. One of the cunts I stalk is totally into them, and I was hoping to play this for her when the day eventually comes that she’s bound and gagged in my guest bedroom. Alas, I’ll have to find a different record to put on while I make passionate postmortem love to her, because there’s no way I’m going to be able to keep a hard-on with this non-threatening, noisy garbage on the stereo. Seriously though, people. What the fuck is so great about this band? I just don’t hear what all the fuss is over. I’ll never understand the blindfolded dart toss that determines whether an underground band becomes popular or not, though I imagine much of it is strictly business. Think hard: when’s the last time you saw a scathing, negative review of a Relapse release in a major Metal mag? Never. You’ve never seen that because it has never happened. Know why? When’s the last time you saw a major Metal mag without a full-page Relapse ad? A-ha! That’s how a mediocre-at-best Grindcore band’s mediocre-at-best records get spoken of as if they were some lost, deeply meaningful, spiritually moving Mozart symphonies just now being freshly unearthed. Gimme a fucking break! It’s a shitty Grind band with a shitty yelling vocalist playing shitty one-minute songs that are completely indiscernible from one another. They don’t even have a fucking bass player for Lemmy’s sake!! There’s a guy in the band just doing samples, just randomly slapping his dick on a keyboard now and then, but no bass player?! What the fuck is that shit about? Look, maybe this is good background noise for answering emails or updating your Fecesbook page. Maybe it’s fun at parties, on the right combination of drugs. Maybe the unfortunate reality of how successful an Extreme Metal band is comes down to how many dudes secretly wanna fuck you. Either way, Book Burner does absolutely nothing for me (and neither did Prowler in the Yard while we’re at it). All things considered, this might be the most overrated band of all time. I like real Grind, bitch. Negative. Brutal. Pounding. Relentless. No trippy groove parts, bra. No Dirtnap Darrell riffs, bra. I like Grind that has —what’s that thing called again?— oh yeah… BOTTOM END! I like it the way Brutal Truth and Assuck used to make it. The way the Swedes in the Nasum camp still do. Yes, this is fast, chaotic, and aggressive, but at its core it’s happy music made by happy people for happy people (who need people). No Barbara Streisand Core in this house.
Note: Rating upped one point for this being available on cassette.

Is it just me, or did that Anvil movie spearhead a trend of documentaries about bands no one cares about? Well, I suppose I shouldn’t say no one… a few people like Alice Donut. I’m guessing all of whom are featured in this DVD. It shouldn’t be a surprise that one of those people is Jello Biafra —as the band has spent virtually their entire career on his Alternative Tentacles label— who calls them “the missing link between R.E.M. and The Butthole Surfers.” I’d say that’s an apt description, if not a flattering one based on my musical preferences. I for one cannot stand this Punk/Indie/Alternative/Noise/Psychedelic/Pop/Jazz/Rock act, in particular lead singer Tom Antona who has one of the most annoying voices and stage personas in the history of Rock ‘n’ Roll. It’s fun music for happy fucks, and while I can’t deny the band has talent, there’s nothing more disturbing, pathetic, and wrong than trying way too hard to be unconventional simply for the sake of being unconventional. Granted, I’ve only heard a handful of songs over the course of many years, but what little I have heard sucked enough raw ass to keep me as far away as possible. That said, after watching Freaks in Love, I’m now aware of every innate detail of the group’s 25-year existence. From their humble mid-’80s beginnings as The Sea Beasts in Brooklyn’s CBGBs-fueled Punk scene, to their random re-naming and signing to AT, to their arduous touring schedule and multiple lineup changes, to their breakthrough, break-up, make-up, and where-they-are-now, etc. It’s all incredibly boring and mundane, and ultimately nowhere unique enough to warrant this level of spotlight. Even if I worshipped the band this wouldn’t be all that entertaining. A summary: this band sucked for a long time, nobody bought their records, they didn’t make enough money so they split, eventually got bored and hooked back up, now they suck again and have kids. There you go, just saved you 100 minutes of your life. You’re welcome.