Hey fellas. Wow, this is even harder than I thought it was gonna be. Umm… I know we’ve had some great times together. Back when we met in ‘94, you put the UK on the map as far as the Second Wave’s concerned. I’d never met a Black Metal band like you before. You were charming yet savage, intense yet exquisite, so different from all the others. I knew I’d found someone special. You guys got so big over the next decade! Black Metal on Sony? Hello! But it was still such high quality shit. At the height of your Hot Topic popularity, it wasn’t always easy to admit what we had to my friends, but you know I ain’t never been one for posing, and haters are gonna hate regardless. That’s just what haters do. I didn’t care what they said, everything up to and including Nymphetamine was fucking tits, bros. And an honorable mention for 2008’s Godspeed on the Devil’s Thunder while I’m at it. But, it feels like we’ve grown apart. You haven’t been very attentive to my needs lately. I don’t know what this shit is you’ve been putting out for the better part of six years, but it sure isn’t us. When I saw your recent promo photos I felt sorry for you. Here we are pushing 40 and you’re still dressing up for Halloween? My mother was right about you. This new album is total fucking garbage! Dani, your voice is shot, home slice. Why do you think so many band members have bailed on you? Musically it’s decent… I guess. Some okay Punkier riffage (“For Your Vulgar Delectation,” “Succumb to This,” “Manticore”), nods to trad Heavy Metal (“Illicitus,” “Pallid Reflection”), and the occasional glory days throwback (“The Abhorrent,” “Frost on Her Pillow,” “Siding with the Titans”), but it’s nothing like the songs you used to write for me. Every time we try to enjoy a nice meal together, Dani has to come and put his dick in the butter with that pitiful new cleaner singing style and those anti-memorable vocal patterns. I’m leaving you. It’s over. It’s been over. I have to do what’s best for me. You’re never going to grow up, and I need a real band. Don’t bother coming after me, we’re through. I hope you’re happy. (And just so you know, I was seeing other bands the whole time!)
P.S. I faked all my goat horns.
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