Dark Sermon - In Tongues

Posted on Friday, April 19, 2013

Florida’s Dark Sermon (the artists formerly known as In Reference to a Sinking Ship) have quite possibly crafted the most boring Death Metal record of all time. I’m talking about an album so boring, it’s actually kind of impressive in a trapeze-walking sense. In Tongues does not possess a split second of material that is capable of engaging or exciting the listener in any way, shape or form. Forty-four minutes of unimaginably unimaginative pummel ‘n’ churn that sounds like Job for a Cowboy and The Black Dahlia Murder fucked and had an autistic child. It’s not as though this album is terrible or weak, irritating or cliche, or even played poorly… but I almost wish it were. It would at least be remarkable in some fashion. I would at least remember it for something. No, instead it simply exists for the sake of mediocre existence. Nothing could be more middle-of-the-road without becoming actual roadkill. I wish I could go into more detail for you. I wish I could pinpoint exactly what is wrong with this WNBA game of an album. But the half-dozen or so spins I’ve lent In Tongues have resulted in experiences akin to alien abduction. I remember putting a CD in the stereo, I remember hitting play. Then there was some double-bass, some distorted guitars, some lightweight Deathcore barking, some blastbeats, dissenting lyrical template #9412, and then… nothing. Three-quarters of an hour completely lost that I have no recollection of whatsoever. I wake up in a field in New Mexico and my asshole hurts. One has to assume these youngsters scored a record deal based solely on the energy and enthusiasm of their live performances, or perhaps they are able to use their proven powers of hypnotherapy to their advantage. Either way, watching flies fuck would’ve at least been educational.

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