I never thought in a million years that I could grow tired of reviewing Katatonia albums. They are my favorite band of all time, so it would seem strange that I take no pleasure in critiquing their music. Maybe it’s because I can find no fault with them. It seems like only yesterday I was 15 years old in my room listening to “Without God” on repeat for several hours. Maybe it’s because, at this point, there seems to be no purpose in a review. If you don’t already worship at the suicidal altar of Katatonia, you’re a stupid piece of happy shit and you don’t deserve to breathe, let alone read something I wrote. While every major Metal mag’s year end “Best of 2009” lists sang the praises of sonic masturbation like Baroness, Mastodon, and the criminally overrated Converge, the true best album of 2009 (’08 and ’07 too for that matter) was nowhere in sight. So what’s the point? No band of any era can hold a candle to Sweden’s masters of the morose, even when the album in question was met with a supposed case of “writer’s block.” An astonishing statement considering the end result’s stunning perfection. The majority of the album was written by Jonas this time around, and if this is writer’s block, I know many who would kill to obtain it. A natural progression from The Great Cold Distance (coincidentally, the best album of 2006), it’s a moodier record with a truly somber atmosphere enhanced by an uncharacteristically high involvement of keyboards. But fear not, Katatonia can do no wrong. As with any one of their completely flawless albums, it is the sadness that prevails. Not that anyone will care. If you need me I’ll be in my room listening to “Departer” on repeat for several hours.

Featuring the original lineup at the legendary Los Angeles venue, this was originally intended to be a DVD release. However, the original and only VHS tape of this 1999 concert was unfortunately destroyed during the digitizing process, leaving only a few salvaged images which are featured in the CD booklet. As a live album, Live at the Whisky A Go Go is plagued by inadequate sound and an inexplicably poor set list. The majority of the material being from The Fine Art of Murder is understandable, as this was their most current release at the time, but do we really need four cuts from Retribution? Only two songs apiece from cornerstone releases The Ten Commandments and Eternal? Nothing at all from the mighty In Cold Blood? Inexcusable. Still, a bad live album from these Floridian Death Metal legends beats most bands’ Pro Tooled studio affairs these days, and at the very least, worth owning for posterity’s sake.

As revered and highly regarded as I hold Krisiun’s earlier works (namely 1997’s Black Force Domain and 1998’s Apocalyptic Revelation), to me they turned the creative corner with 2003’s Works of Carnage. This was the first time they integrated that razor sharp groove into their inhumanly fast attack. With the following year’s Bloodshed EP, they really began to hit their creative stride and started knocking at the door of their creative peak. Then with 2006’s AssassiNation they broke the door down and murdered every living thing in sight. Why am I in History Channel mode with the Krisiun timeline you ask? Well, sadly because with Southern Storm, it seems Krisiun have hit somewhat of a creative wall. Not that it’s by any means a bad album. Krisiun don’t know how to make a bad album. It’s just not as good. Not as memorable, not as dynamic, more like a slight return to their Conquerors of Armageddon / Ageless Venomous form. Fast, brutal speed and not much else. All groove elements here are pretty much delegated to the cover of Sepultura’s “Refuse/Resist,” which oddly serves as this album’s only real standout cut.

A two-disc, remastered package of the classic Death Fiend, Triumph of Death, and Satanic Rites demos. Things still sound a bit rough, but guaranteed to be an improvement over the flea market bootlegs of this material we all have tucked away somewhere. This kind of collection really sells itself, and it’s something you either have to own or completely don’t care about. Everyone should do themselves a favor and pick up a piece of underground Metal history, not to mention the launching pad for not only Celtic Frost, but just about every single Death Metal band that ever claimed Old School. Plus these demos are where every original member of Mayhem stole their stage name from.

You can bank on a new Heaven Shall Burn album every two years, and you can bank on it being quality material as well. The German Metalcore kings continue to impress in 2008. It is truly remarkable when you consider that this band, over the course of six full length albums (not to mention two splits with Caliban), have not changed one single fucking thing. The only progression necessary has been steadily improved production. They manage to keep things fresh somehow, and even bless us here with a perfectly executed Edge of Sanity cover (“Black Tears”). I will admit that there is an unusually high amount of filler on Iconoclast, which for them isn’t much, but the end result is an album length that is just a tad longer than it needs to be. However, few can match their melodic intensity, and they have a fiery passion about them that cannot be denied. Maybe they should simply start pumping them out every three years.

Anyone talking shit about Kataklysm in 2008 is a pure hater. When you think about the noisy, incoherent shit they started putting out after their debut EP, it’s amazing how far they’ve come. Sure, it’s definitely the most no-frills record of their career, but every song on Prevail is a Death Metal anthem. I embrace the Old School mentality. I like it when the shit sticks. Admittedly it doesn’t top the flawless landmark opus that preceded it (In the Arms of Devastation), but after your Reign in Blood, sometimes a Seasons in the Abyss is the best you can hope for. It still follows the same blueprint of success. Memorable and brutal, that’s all I really need. Is there anyone out there that still subscribes to the Bloodbath motto? Anyone other than Kataklysm, I mean.

Textbook Metalcore-by-the-numbers. There are just too many bands playing this style of music right now. Eight years ago I probably would’ve been all over this like flies on shit, but the system has been seriously fucking overloaded. Truth be told, The Ghost Inside is not a bad band, but they bring absolutely nothing new to the table. If our rating system were based solely on how well a band recycles Unearth’s breakdowns from 2000, this would be a ten. As is…

Fission is a suitable name for this band. Their music is fission. It splits and breaks up into two different parts. One part being a featherweight, tenth rate In Flames rip-off. The other part is overwhelmingly homosexual Power Metal with the gayest vocals ever recorded singing the faggiest lyrics ever written. This guy’s clean voice gave me AIDS. Now I know why that parade is so painful. A supergroup featuring members of DC Talk, Blues Traveler, Hanson, Barenaked Ladies, and the Jonas Brothers would be more Metal than this.

Firewind? I usually get wicked Firewind when I eat hot wings and nachos. Have you ever made Firewind sitting down and the Firewind travels up your ball crease? Sometimes I’ll even hold a lighter up to my asshole so I can actually see my Firewind. Speaking of my asshole, it makes much heavier and more powerful noise than this Greek White Lion cover band.