To answer this Punk Rockumentary’s subtitle: in 1982 I was three years old, and not so much concerned with any music scene as I was just trying to get the basic hang of tying my shoes and wiping my own ass (two things I’ve still yet to fully master). It was about 1987-88 when I first took a shining to my mom’s Beatles, Roy Orbison, Byrds, and Bob Dylan 45s, and my love of Punk wouldn’t come until much later — during my freshman year of high school when the fat, blue-haired whore that took my virginity made me a mixtape with Bad Religion, Minor Threat, Pegboy, Operation Ivy, Misfits, Funeral Oration, and Dead Kennedys on it (which I probably still have tucked away in some closet in a box marked “FAILURES FOR CUNTS”). If it counts, I knew all the words to “Pet Sematary” at the age of ten, but I didn’t know the Ramones were Punk at the time… or what Punk was. I was way more into McDonald’s cheeseburgers and watching re-runs of Diff’rent Strokes and Three’s Company after school. What’s that, gentle reader? You don’t give a rat’s dick about a complete stranger’s life story? Ah… well then, this DVD definitely isn’t for you. It’s an utterly unbearable 80 minutes of people you don’t know talking about bands you’ve never heard (and for good reason). My apologies to all the Sweet Madness, Teenagers, Strangulon, Pop Tarts, PP-KU, Terror Couple, and Vampire Lezbos fans out there… oh wait, there aren’t any. It takes the contributors of this film 20 minutes to establish that Spokane, Washington is an isolated, dreary, boring conservative town. What a fucking shocker! “There was nowhere to buy Punk clothes, I had to buy jeans at JC Penny and scuff them up… The jocks would beat me up ‘cuz I had a pink mohawk… We would drink and do drugs and try to have sex with each other… We’d dress up in rubber suits and pretend we were chickens…” LIKE I GIVE A FUCK!!!!! Kill yourselves! That would be entertaining to watch. I spent the majority of this barely-glamorized home movie hitting the remote’s display button to see how much longer I had to suffer, until finally giving up 45 minutes in. None of these bands/people became shit, and that’s not because they were from a shitty town —all towns are shitty, all life sucks everywhere! It’s because they were dopey, uninteresting, talentless hacks that no human being outside of their desperate circle could possibly care about. After watching this, I drove to the mall and bought the new Green Day album purely out of spite.
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