Theodore Ziras - Monster 5
I must have done something to piss Ray off, because he has once again sent me something to review from Sleazy Rider. That label seems to have a knack for finding and releasing albums by the most raging homosexuals ever. Everything I’ve ever heard from this label has sucked Godzilla’s giant mutant reptile penis, and Monster 5 is no exception. For those of you who’ve never heard of Theodore Ziras before (and unless you’re an employee of Sleazy Rider, you probably haven’t), he’s one of those guys who is supposed to be an awesome guitar player, but all he ever produces is unlistenable, obnoxiously pretentious guitar wanker albums that only fags who like to masturbate with their seven-string, 24-fret penis extensions could enjoy. I had to suffer through eleven tracks of pretentious guitar wankery that made me want to kill every guitarist and burn every guitar ever made. Theodore Ziras made me listen to Japanese Gangsta Rap for three days straight because it was the furthest thing from a guitar album that I could find. I had to physically stop myself from booking a flight to Greece just to cut this guy’s hands off. Of course, knowing guitar wankers like I do, this loser would learn how to play guitar with his fucking feet and I’d have to make a second trip out there to cut those off, too. The only possible audience this might have is with other guitar wankers. For them, this album would be like buying the contents of a storage locker at an auction for $20 and finding a treasure trove of gay porn inside. For everyone else, this is a form of pain and suffering that even a Miley Cyrus / Jonas Brothers / Selina Gomez triple-bill couldn’t equal.
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