I haven’t heard anything from these guys since 1996’s Ecstasy, and I don’t remember liking it too much. This live DVD has done nothing to change my mind about this band and its Stoner/Groove “Metal,” even though this does look and sound great, in wide-screen and 5.1 Dolby audio, etc… It’s the standard Metal Mind treatment, which is to say that it’s technically very impressive, and has plenty of bonus stuff. But when the band sucks, who cares?

Paper-thin ’80s Ass Metal from Michigan. Not even the quality production or good drumming that you normally get from even the most dense Ass bands. I can honestly say this sounds like Judas Priest… if they’d began their career in 2001 and were from Michigan.

This might be the worst singer I’ve ever heard. He sounds like Phil Anselmo and Tom G. Warrior colliding in their respective Glam phases. The lyrics are severely unintelligent, and the music might have been considered heavy and groundbreaking in 1985. Bloodless, lifeless Thrash-by-the-numbers.

I’ll be honest, I didn’t really have much interest in this 5-song demo/CDR until I saw the band mentioned in the thanks list on the new Red Chord album. What handy little marketing tools thanks lists are. Well, these guys aren’t bad. I am actually reminded of newer Varathron of all things. Melodic, adventurous Black/Death showcasing a ton of musical talent, especially in the keyboard department. Great drumming, decent riffs, and the vocalist even sounds like Necroabyssious. All I would change, other than the poor production, is the gay Celtic harmonies that everyone seems to be using nowadays. Or maybe they’re supposed to be Irish, Scottish, Finnish, or whatever fucking kind of traditional Folk-sounding bullshit you can think of. The bottom line is that if it sounds like an Irish Spring commercial or makes me envision men in kilts, it’s not cool, it has no place in Metal, and I don’t want any part of it. It’s fucking 2005, get with the god damn program!

This album is not aptly named. I would have gone with Washed Up Members of Bands That Sold Out Over a Decade Ago Trying to Cash in on a Popularity Resurgence in the Style They Were Once So Quick to Abandon. But that’s just what I would’ve gone with. My apologies to the former members of Amorphis and Sentenced involved with this too-little-too-late Death Metal peace offering, but unfortunately, god forgives… I don’t.

Hard to believe these guys have been toiling since 1990. It’s 2004 and these guys still write Death Metal like they just opened Sunlight. Not much has changed with the Centinex attack. Fast, heavy, melodic Death blending all kinds of countrymate influence. From Entombed and Dismember to At the Gates and In Flames, it’s quite an effective amalgam. Okay, so maybe this time around they’ve succumbed to a few modern tactics (occasional clean vocals, slower tempos, more dynamics, melodic choruses a la Hypocrisy), but it does breathe some new life into their sound, and if it can gain this criminally underrated band a little notoriety it’s well worth it. Here’s to Centinex for another solid effort and perhaps a long overdue breakthrough.

If you like Black Metal, read no further and go immediately find this DVD! I have no idea what to even say is the coolest part about this disc… It’s wide-screen (for the main concert, at least), region 0, has Dolby Digital 5.1 surround sound, and clocks in at three and a half hours. But, that’s just the boring technical stuff. The real good (I mean, evil) shit starts even before the singer, Nattefrost, begins the show with “Good evening. Are you ready for some Norwegian Black Metal?” as the band and gargantuan “Carpathian dancers” are introduced, with the corpulent girls’ massive (and naked) jugs swinging all over the place between the titanic stage banners reading “FUCK YOU ALL!!!!” In addition to the 15 songs making up the main show, you also get another 8-song set from the Wacken Open Air 2003 festival, live bootleg (camcorder) videos, in the studio documentary footage from the Defending the Throne of Evil sessions, demo songs (audio only), and the standard Metal Mind treatment of interview, discography, photos, and so on. This is as complete a DVD as you’re likely to ever see, and an absolute must for Metal fans of all varieties.

Extremely technical, richly layered, Prog-flavored Death Metal similar to latter era Death. Now by technical, I don’t mean fast (these guys for some reason think blast beats are gay), and by Prog-flavored, I don’t mean there are sissy Rush vocals. Thankfully, there is only a Death snarl. I simply mean that the musicianship is of very high quality, and that the band features a textured approach rather than a full-on brutality attack. As impressive as the playing is (even more impressive when you consider these guys are from Italy, a country where you can count the good Metal bands on one hand), I’ve listened to these two songs all morning, and all that really sticks is the Classical acoustic guitar arrangement on “Next Darkest Dream.” So maybe there’s a little too much going on here. Nevertheless, Carnal Rapture have a ton of talent and originality going for them, and that’s a damn fine place to start.

At almost two-and-a-half hours all told, you get a lot for your money with this disc. The main live show, which is wide-screen, is from February 2004, and at 20 songs is plenty long by itself, and then you also get two bonus, shorter, shows both from 2003 (New York and Tokyo). Unfortunately the bonus shows are not up the same very impressive audio/video quality of the main show, but they’re more than acceptable, and really more like what you might expect from any band further underground than Slipknot or whoever. Additionally, the packaging is supremely nice, with an actual booklet in the DVD case, and of course you get all the DVD bonus stuff such as an interview, band biography, and so on. Carnal Forge wasn’t really on my A-list of bands that I wanted to see perform live, but this DVD is very impressive, and should more than satisfy all the band’s fans.

This band sounds just like The Haunted, except their drummer knows two drumbeats. Impressive I’ll admit, but not enough to keep me from slumber. There are a few bands that can pull off this ultra-fast Nu-Thrash (Corporation 187, Dimension Zero and Darkest Hour if you want to put them in that category), Carnal Forge just isn’t one of them. So, to answer the chic album title’s dapper inquiry, I am most certainly and quite unfortunately still alive.

A decent demo disc from these gore-obsessed Gialo Grinders. These guys, with a little bit more time, would fit perfectly on the Razorback roster, as they show traits of almost all their bands. Most of the necessary components are already in place. Good drumming, good raw vocals, good sound. They just need to put a little more into it. The songs just really don’t hold much interest at this point. I predict, however, a highly improved follow-up for these Midwest miscreants.

Man, has this bitch gone downhill. I remember her vocals for Opera IX being at least tolerable. Her abrasive vocals here are downright weak, and her clean singing sounds like fucking Lita Ford for christ’s sake (which coincidentally is very close to conformity). I’ll still masturbate to the poster I have of her by my bed, but it won’t mean as much.

Regaining their senses (to some degree, at least), and once again simply going by “Cadaver,” this band has also turned the clock back on their sound in some ways. And I mean that in the best possible way. Some songs here are fairly modern sounding Black/Death Metal, while others have more of an old-school style/feeling, but all slightly suffer from a production that at times seems somewhat too polished. This is certainly not a flawless album, but it’s good enough to make me think that these blasphemous bastards have that in them.

That’s funny, I’m a fan of “In Flames, Dark Tranquillity, and Swedish Death Metal,” yet I certainly did not “freak over this German band’s impressive blend of melodic brutality.” What I did was yawn, repeatedly, at cookie cutter wannabe Gothenburg band #9,012. Where does Magick Records find these bottom-of-the-barrel sub par Metal bands? And why do they insist on marketing them as the greatest things since dual blow jobs? This will appeal to the soon-to-be-disappointed.

Brodequin are as brutal as anyone. There is no denying their skill, endurance, or heaviness. Unfortunately when it comes to making it memorable or catchy in the slightest, they fall flat. I couldn’t tell these songs apart if you had a gun to my head. Some would argue that Death Metal isn’t supposed to be catchy. To those people, I say eat my ass.

Extremely unoriginal, uninspiring, boring, badly produced, pitch-shifted vocal, shitty drum machine, 32-track, sample-ridden, noisy, dime-a-dozen, poorly written, let’s be like everyone else Gore-Grind. I don’t like it, and neither would Giallo.

You know, for about ten minutes into my first listen, I admit I was a tad concerned about the direction these Old School Death Metal immortals were heading in. With the addition of the dude from Witchery on drums, and the loss of the greatest Death Metal vocalist of all time, it’d have been impossible to not worry a little. And while it may be immediately evident that the “brutality comes through simplicity” mentality that the band was founded on has been slightly compromised by the addition of way more blasting, much faster speeds, more technical playing, and a lot more solos, I have a really hard time seeing the rationale of a blast beat and some showmanship being hindrances. By the second spin, I was doing the backing growls for the chorus of “Brave New Hell.” Peter Tagtgren gives his most brutal vocal performance since the Inferior Devoties EP, proving the only way to replace a legend is with another legend. Speaking of legends, I suppose I was a little foolish in my doubt when you consider the involvement of the Katatonia connection, as Nystrom and Renkse have yet to touch anything that did not turn to gold. Oh yeah, and there’s some guy named Dan Swano on guitars. The elder Gods are still revered, as the feel of classic Entombed is rich throughout the album, and when they do choose to grind, the intensity is in league with Napalm Death. The diabolically evil-sounding high note melodies found on tracks like “Cancer of the Soul” and “Outnumbering the Day” also bring to mind echoes of Necrophobic’s debut masterpiece, The Nocturnal Silence, and I’d be willing to wager any amount that no other Death Metal song this year will come close to the infectious catchiness or all-out heaviness of the deliciously deranged “Eaten.” The domestic version of this release contains two pre-Breeding Death demo tracks that serve to showcase that even through just a couple of raw mics, Bloodbath kick more ass than the leading brand. Long live Bloodbath. Long live Death.

This band is tough to pigeonhole, but they’re best described as melodic, aggressive Thrash with a sometimes overboard modern feel. They steer so far from any category, it’s hard to give comparisons for reference, other than the vocals occasionally peaking into Tomas Lindberg territory. I guess I’d have to say this would be perfect for someone looking for a unique array of heavy hooks, yet doesn’t mind the overall effort lacking that certain punch.

A split CD featuring two obscure underground bands. Black Mass play an extremely Old School style of Satanic Death/Thrash with a sound reminiscent of ancient Morbid Angel and Nocturnus, minus some of the atmosphere and most of the talent. Still, with their attention to detail concerning the sounds of old, a truly raw production, and fearlessly juvenile delinquent lyrical passages like “inverting the crosses of God,” Black Mass’ efforts do come off as authentic, echoing the humble beginnings of scene monsters in the making. However, this isn’t 1987, so they have some catching up to do. Hellraised sound like the Canadian Slaughter in their pre-teens, rehearsing in the garage. Again, about two decades behind the curve. One would have to be pretty willing to take a chance, and perhaps a bit desperate for something new to pick up this split. Odds are they’d probably be a little disappointed, unless the last good album they bought was Abominations of Desolation.

Annoying Stoner Sludge/Noise Rock from members of Cavity and 16. Like a limp dick version of old Helmet and Unsane spliced with Burning Witch. The vocals are a fucking joke. This guy has the artistic prose of an angry fan yelling at a ball game. Imagine a pre-puberty Page Hamilton screaming at someone from across the street. Luckily they keep their shitty songs short, as these three cuts run just under six minutes. Most bands that suck in this manner usually make you suffer through their hippie crap at ten minutes a pop. These guys play really noisy, boring slop, which for some reason these days seems to translate into success. So look for Black Cobra to hit it big anytime soon.