The piteous, untimely demise of the Colorado Rockies’ 2012 season has left Metal Curse’s favorite author with a little extra free time. Hence his 412th book in the last few months. We’re honestly not complaining, though, because Sleep Has No Master just might be Psycho’s finest fictional work to date. Don’t let the title fool you, this book is so god damn funny it pisses me off that I didn’t write it. I don’t know how Jon is going to top this one. Following in the same vein as Fistful of Pizza and The Earworm Inception, the humor is relentless. The uniquely witty Kon throws off-the-wall, left field, side-splitting references at the reader harder than Pedro Martinez can throw Don Zimmer. I simply couldn’t put this down. I received my copy only days ago and have already finished it! Compare that to the 3 years of bowel movements it took me to trudge through Dawkins’ reaffirmation that Christians are, indeed, fucking stupid. Rather than take my word for it, check out this excerpt from Chapter Three (“Tesla Motors Doesn’t Have a Blowjob Referral Program”):
We spent two days driving to the brothel, with Fat Mike talking nonstop about how he’d totally cram it in every whore’s ass-vent without even saying hello first. When we arrived, a shift manager conned him into buying a $98 gold card membership, which offered absolutely no benefits other than getting stuck on their mailing list and infecting his computer with malware after he installed the poorly-coded Uncle Kenny’s Sex Dungeon plugin for the Firefox browser. All of the women in the dungeon looked horrible, with meth face, congenital birth defects, missing teeth from crack cocaine abuse, amputated limbs, horrific body funk, and genetic disorders from centuries of inbreeding. The most attractive woman had a conjoined twin attached to her face, a ZZ Top beard, and wouldn’t stop talking about the Tampa Bay Devil Rays. I immediately projectile vomited like that kid from The Exorcist and ran for my life. On the entire 38-hour car trip home, it somehow became my fault that Fat Mike didn’t get to fuck any hot chicks. That’s how those things usually went down.
You know you want to keep reading. Konrath is equal parts genius, comedian, and stark raving lunatic. If you don’t track this book down, you’re gay.
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